We tried the new 'Tinder for fighting' app 'Rumblr' - here's what happened
We decided to try it out (something which countless journalists failed to do - see below!), arrange some fights and then weasel out of fighting them. We realise this is breaking rules 1 through 2 of Fight Club, but here's what happened...
First weird thing - you can sign up using LinkedIn
Yeah why not. Ok, tried this but it didn't work. Must be some technical issues. So since I don't have a Tinder account and don't want to get broken up with any time soon, I decide instead to create a Rumblr account.
First things first, set up account using colleagues name
Then wuss out when you realise this could actually lead to him getting his ass kicked.
Settle on the name "Rumblestiltskin"
I want to make sure I get some fights, so I need to be punchable. Decide to settle on the name "Rumblestiltskin" and have a riddle as my description. Surely this will make poetry critics who frequent Rumblr want to kick my teeth in?
Terms and conditions
"It's your own fault if you arrange a fight and get your teeth kicked in" yada yada yada. Same terms and conditions as Apple. I'm here to wuss out of fighting, not wuss out of reading! Accept.
Now we're talking
The app uses a standard "fight or pass" system similar to Tinder. If you want to fight the guy you swipe left. It's like a reverse Tinder as you're effectively saying "I hate your face / description".
Since this guy clearly uses a gym, I pass.
Might have to tweak my settings here. This lady is both a woman and someone who clearly uses a gym, or is at least a fan of gym headwear. I pass. Keep scrolling until I find a weak looking guy who's never been to a gym...
Excellent. I have a guy I want to fight who also wants to fight me. And he's posing in front of a sign that says "off limits". Big mistake, buddy. That only makes me madder. Let's chat for some reason...
Must be aggressive and win this verbal fight.
Ah that was no good. My only contribution so far is "you must be trippin, bo" which is a mispelling of "bro". Worried he thinks it's a misspelling of "bae".
Something isn't right about this guy. He's not scared of me. He then asks me if I want to "pussy out" and I realise I'm going to have to really try to make this guy want to fight me.
But he just laughs it off. No longer sure whether this guy is taking me serious as a threat or...
Is this guy coming on to me?
This clearly isn't working, he seems friendly. Got to make him mad.
I reply with a poem, Rumblestiltskin style:
I would not, could not pussy out
I could not back out from this fight
Would not wuss out on the night
For you see your face I hate
Hate it hate it with my 300 pound weight
I do not like you
Rumblestiltskin I am!
At this point the page redirects to http://vonhughes.com/. Turns out the whole thing was a viral marketing stunt by vonhughes.com, and I'd been trying to have a fight with a chatbot. A chatbot which probably still would have kicked my ass.
Turns out the Daily Mail, the Mirror, The Metro and all these other papers hadn't bothered to try the app out and find out it was all a hoax. And now I'm mad as hell and don't have an app to arrange fights with.
So far the marketing company Von Hughes have not responded to my emailed request for a fight.