18 things Waitrose think are "essential"

You thought milk, bread and cheese were essentials? Wrong. These are the essentials, according to Waitrose...

18) You know you need to go to the shops when you've run out of...

rosemary and seasalt focaccia waitrose

"We're out of rosemary and sea salt focaccia. Better head to the shops."

"Just start on the sea salt and cracked black pepper focaccia, that'll do."

"We're not animals, dear."

17) This essential

waitrose essential parmigiano

"You forgot the parmigiano reggiano?? Just what the hell am I going to put on my vermicelli nests?"


"I want a divorce."

16) This four-star must-have

essential waitrose pasta

"I hate to break it to you dear, but we're out of vermicelli nests. We're going to have to resort to farfalle, god forgive us."

15) This very specific type of ratatouille

ratatouille waitrose essential

"Darling, I don't want to alarm you but we're out of ratatouille provencale."

"Sweet merciful christ, you can't be serious."

"I am."

"But it's ESSENTIAL that we have ratatouille provencale."

14) Artichoke hearts. Essential artichoke hearts.

artichoke hearts waitrose essentials

"I don't know how people live without them."

13) When it's essential that you have farm assured lamb hearts, you sure as hell better head to Waitrose

farm assured lamb hearts waitrose essentials

"Never you mind 'why' just make sure our cupboards are crammed full of lamb hearts."

12) When it's essential that your buttocks smell of champagne, head to Waitrose

essential waitrose toilet paper

"Never you mind 'why' I need my buttocks to smell of champagne. Just get me some toilet paper that smells of champagne and several champagne flutes and give me some damn privacy."

11) British pork tongue sandwich fillers

pork tongue sandwich fillers

"Can't have a bptlt without the bpt."

10) When it's essential that my toilet smells of mulled wine, head to Waitrose

mulled wine toilet cleaner waitrose

"It's like saying Merry Christmas to your ass."

9) That mousse you can't live without...

capuccino mousse essential waitrose

Not can't. Won't live without. I won't live without cappuccino mouse.

8) This must-have

poppy and sesame seed thins waitrose

"The were out of poppy and sesame seed thins. I just don't know what we're going to eat."

"Are we going to die, mummy?"

"Yes, dear."

7) Everybody needs this

tear and share essential waitrose

"Whatever the hell this is, as a Waitrose customers I consider it essential."

6) Soap isn't essential - this is essential...

waitrose essential shower gel

"It's essential that I don't wash - I need to baste."

5) Blueberries

blueberries are waitrose essential

Freaking blueberries.

4) Pâté is something Waitrose customers can't bear to be without

waitrose essential pates

3) Ironing water

ironing water essential in waitrose

"Darling, the worst has happened."


"There's been a spillage."

"Please tell me the ironing water is safe. TELL ME THE IRONING WATER IS SAFE, DENISE!"

2) Peppered smoked mackerel fillets

mackerel fillets waitrose essentials





"Ironing water."


"Oh thank Christ. Peppered smoked mackerel fillets."


"Jonathan? Where the f*cking hell are the peppered smoked mackerel fillets?? How are we supposed to LIVE without peppered smoked mackerel fillets, Jonathan??"

1) Crème brûlée and profiteroles

creme brulee waitrose essentials

Actually quite agree with these ones. It's essential you have creme brulee and profiteroles.

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