15 things everyone secretly does when they're alone (but won't admit to)
What does everyone else do when they're home alone? The exact same things you do...
15) Make the "Home Alone face" into the mirror
"Oh stop, you, you're Macaulay Culkin me laugh!"
14) Say "I know you're watching me right now" into a mirror, in case you're on the Truman Show
"You think I don't know you're not watching my every move? Then how do you explain just how goddamn interesting my life is??"
13) Narrate your cooking like you're in a cooking show
"The beans are probably gonna take around five minutes to heat through, so you might want to use this time to slump down on the side and think about how depressing it is that you're talking to yourself as though you're in a cooking show right now."
12) Watch and read terrifying things to test your bravery, then spend the whole night hiding from the Babadook
"I'm so scared and adorable."
11) Live in your own filth for a while
"What? Everyone has three week old apple crumble in the bath. That's just where we keep it."
10) Sing "I can't live if living is without you" at the top of your voice, even though you're fine
It's just nice to hear noise in the house.
9) Throw away your cutlery and eat like a deer for a while
"My god, eating muffins if you're a deer really sucks. I wonder what it's like to eat them like a giraffe?"
8) Make the Home Alone face in the mirror again, to see if it's still funny
Decide that it's not, and walk away from the mirror, embarrassed by your own behaviour.
7) Pick up everything with your feet and wonder what it would be like to be a monkey
Never met a person who doesn't do this - never want to.
6) Eat straight from jars
Eating any other way would be unnecessary washing up.
5) Break into family / friend's rooms, dress up in their clothes and do hurtful impersonations of them that they'll never see
Don't deny it, you all do this.
4) Recreate the Mrs Doubtfire cleaning scene in its entirety
Because obviously you should do this.
3) Climb inside your duvet cover and pretend to be a ghost
This is how the sheets get changed. Ten minutes of ghost boy, two minutes of putting the duvet inside the cover, followed by ten minutes of complaining "why does changing the duvet have to take so damn long?"
2) Remember every single thing you've ever done in your life that's cringeworthy and swear at yourself in the mirror
Everyone does this. Don't worry.
1) Narrating your own life like you're in a book
"Though it had amused me to climb inside a duvet and pretend I was a spooky ghost, picking up stuff with my feet like I was the ghost of a monkey, as I sat there alone smeared in Nutella I ate straight from the jar like a deer, it occurred to me: These were just momentary distractions from the truly horrifying feeling deep down inside, the undeniable truth of my situation- I was alone again."
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