8 terrible lecturers everyone has at uni

Lecturing at a university attracts a certain type of person. Specifically, it attracts these eight types of people...

8) The salesman

The salesman is the lecturer who constantly puts their own books on your reading list. Don't blame them, their figures are low and they have mouths to feed.

How to get a good grade out of them:

Tell them how much you love their books and buy them a hot meal. They clearly need it.

7) The Granddad / Grandma

Good luck getting slides published to the interwebs from the Granddad / Grandma. All learning will be done from books, and anything they need to show to you will be shown on a blackboard, or a projector which somehow appears to be even more archaic than a blackboard.

However the Granddad / Grandma are generally much more interested in teaching you, and making sure you really understand and engage with the topics than almost any other lecturer type.

How to get a good grade out of them:

Resist the urge to hug them and you should be ok. They'll teach you all you need.

6) The reluctant PhD student

The PhD student is about a year ahead of you. They'll set you books they've heard of, but in all likelihood they've just put it on your reading list to look impressive.

The best tactic for getting a good grade from a PhD student lecturer is to mimic their opinions back to them like a well trained parrot. Or if your work isn't marked by them, to ignore their mumbled teachings and just stick rigidly to the suggested reading.

5) The one that tells you life stories

This lecturer is either as bored of their own lectures as you are, or haven't prepared enough to fill the whole hour. Usually with panic in their eyes, they'll start to tell you about their own life, like a bad comedian doing improv, or Grandpa from the Simpsons. They're just running the clock out, and will stop the moment the lecture is supposed to finish.

How to get a good grade out of them:

Whilst they tell you their life stories, allow your mind to drift off and remember the reading you did on the topic. Cement it in your memory whilst s/he tells you their anecdote about how they haven't met Sartre per se, but they may have petted his dog's grandson.

4) The one that watches cool television programs and wants you to know that

Look out to references to Breaking Bad and Glee. This type of lecturer can't really tell the quality difference between the two shows, but knows they're popular and thinks it makes them "cool" (which they air-quote) to include references to these shows in their lectures.

The older lecturer who likes to remind you that the older generation still think about sex

3) The rusher

These are the lecturers who have seriously mistimed how long it'll take them to do a lecture. They have so much to cram in they spend most of the lecture talking at 1.5 speed, before doubling this speed right at the end.

How to get a good grade out of them

Buy a dictaphone with a "slow down time" function. Do not attempt to listen back to your recording at normal speed.

2) The bumbler

The bumbling lecturer does not live in the real world. They've been consumed by books for the past 30 years and have no idea how computers work. It's a miracle they made it into your lecture at all, and were probably shepherded there by their secretary, without whom they'd perish in their office having forgotten to eat food.

They usually have a massively in-depth knowledge of their subject, and just assume everyone else does too, and can keep up with the arguments they're making based on their 30 years of knowledge.

How to get a good grade out of them

Do thirty years' worth of reading in a term.

1) Mr or Mrs Lech

Lecherous lecturers do exist, unfortunately. They got into academia because they looked into it and it was too difficult to get into porn.

The lecherous lecturer is just like any other lecturer, except they may invite you back to their flat. Do not enter their flat. It looks like Quagmire's place.

How to get a good grade out of them:

You don't want to do the things that'll get a good grade out of them. You have too much dignity for that.