The top 33 rules for surviving a horror film

So you've found yourself in a horror film, have you? Rule number 1 - don't be a moron. Also, follow these rules and you might just survive (maybe).

33) Stay the hell away from children, twins and the elderly

Unless you want to play with them for ever and ever and ever and...

32) Talk to everyone you see - to check whether you're a ghost

Don't just talk to mediums. This confirms nothing. Talk to everyone and see if they react. If they don't, you're already a ghost and it's game over.

31) Don't film the poltergeist like some kind of ghost pervert

You'll anger it and it'll start messing around with your reflection and killing you and stuff. In fact...

30) Put down the camera, you moron

You want to turn this into a "found footage" horror film? You know where they "found" the footage? On your corpse. It's always on your corpse.

29) Don't have sex ever

At best your lover will try to kill you, at worst you'll be followed around by a sexually transmitted ghost (STG) that'll try to nob you to death like in It Follows.

28) Don't run upstairs

What, do you have an ambition to die in the upstairs bathroom?? What is your plan???

27) Eggs hatch - destroy them

None of this "oh I'd better take them back to the lab for scientific study" or "I could really go for a massive omelette right now" bullshit - do you actually want to die??

26) Don't let your husband have sex with you whilst you're asleep

Though this already falls under the "don't have sex" rule, it's worth stressing that under no circumstances should you allow your husband to have sex with you whilst you're asleep - even if you're trying for a baby. It's weird and disturbing and rape. He is an evil devil man, and your child may or may not be the anti-christ.

25) Never turn off the TV during a bulletin, they're about to say "your house"


24) Don't trust anyone who works in an abattoir or mows the lawn in a graveyard

They seem fine, then they tell you in way too much detail what a dying animal sounds like, and then they put on a mask made of human skin and chase you with a chainsaw.

23) Keep stabbing the bad guy long after he's dead

This is just common sense people. Otherwise you'll go away, call the police and look back and "oh my god, there's just a blood stain and the guy has gone". Well, of course he's gone. You didn't stab him hundreds of times. And now you're going to die, Monica from Friends.

22) Listen to the warning signs

Even if the sign just says "stop" you listen to the bastard. No "investigating" - don't you know you're in a horror film, not an episode of Columbo?

21) Never read a book that's made from skin and written in blood


20) Never stop for petrol

You shouldn't even stop in an ESSO. Why the hell are you stopping in this petrol station? They're usually killing shacks that they've put a pump in front of to lure in victims like you.

19) Get a car that acts like a car

No wheel spins or the engine dying - just a car that starts first time and then takes you away from Murder House.

18) And check the back seat, for Christ's sake!

If you can't afford a two-seater, we sympathise. But for Christ's sake check the back seat or glance in the rear-view mirror, there's a murderer back there! Also, traffic!! Jesus Christ. You know what, this one deserves to die, these are the absolute basics.

17) When a hillbilly tells you "don't go down that road" you'd sure as hell not go down that road

Unless it turns out that the hillbilly was the murderer, in which case you should disregard his murdering lies.

16) Don't explore the abandoned f*$%ing house

You know the one. The one the town is always warning you about. Murder house. The one where all those murders happened. You know the one I'm talking about, its that murder house in your town where that serial killer killed all those people and then wore all their skin like a meat hat. The one that was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Serial killing ghosts live there. There've been all those disappearance lately in it and now the ghosts of the dead lurk there, killing the townsfolk. You know the one, it's next door to where you decided to park your campervan when you ran out of petrol... It's got that noose outside... You heard screams of the damned coming out of it last night?

Yep, that one. Don't investigate that one.

15) Never adopt an orphan with a mysterious background

In real life, adopting is a noble thing to do. In horror films, it's a suicidal act, comparable with summoning satan himself into your home. Do you want to be killed by your own adopted daughter??

14) If someone investigates a noise then comes back and says "there's nothing to worry about" they are now possessed. Kill them with fire.

Speaking of...

13) Don't investigate ANYTHING unless you want to get possessed and or killed

You want to kill all your friends?? Is that what you want??

12) If anything other than water comes out a tap, burn the house down

This isn't a plumbing issue. Burn and run. Burn and run right now.

11) Stay away from Jack Nicholson

He's gorgeous, but is this the last face you ever want to see??

10) Don't make friends with a leprechaun

Sure, they say they're going to grant you three wishes, but they're almost certainly evil. You ever seen a horror film with a leprechaun in it where the leprechaun wasn't the bad guy? No. It would be weird and confusing to the audience if it was a horror film about a serial killer with a chainsaw and it just so happened to also have a leprechaun in it. Do not approach.

9) Your child is dead - don't look for them

It's a ghost, or a demon or some kind of murderer wearing your kid's clothes or something worse. Trust me - they're dead and you have to move on. Acting like a moron won't bring them back.

8) Don't look through a peephole

What did you expect to see? The police? Kittens? A horse? It's obviously going to be some crazy folks with a massive knife, dressed like Posh and Becks.

7) Don't listen through a door either

You want to go to a hospital with a bad case of "axe ear death"? No? Then keep your ear away from the damn door, dude.

6) Don't answer the door at night

Oh the doorbell went off at 3am - I wonder who that could be. Yep. It's them again.

5) Don't disrespect the dead

No squatting on corpses, drinking out of skulls or weeing on the graves of forgotten war heroes. Things are about to get poltergeisty.

4) Check your teleporter for flies

Or start calling yourself "Brundlefly" right away.

3) Stay away from Australia

If you find yourself in a horror film and everyone has an Australian accent, you'll be dead in minutes. Australian films have the highest death tolls.

2) Don't hitchhike, unless you're a murderer

You ever seen a scene in a horror film where someone hitchhikes, catches a lift, gets out and everything's fine? No. Anyone who hitchhikes in a horror film is either a victim or a murderer. If you HAVE to hitchhike, be a murderer. In fact...

1) Always be the murderer

This only works if you have a sequel. E.g. if the film is called "Chuckie 1" you should try to be Chuckie. You're guaranteed to live until "Chuckie 6: The Revengening".

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