The 8 most horrifying things about Christmas
We all have those nightmares where you wake up on Christmas morning and you've forgotten to buy Christmas presents for anyone, but none of that matters because your mother has set the Christmas goose on fire and you have to flee the house. But there are far more terrifying things you should be worried about on Christmas. You should be having nightmares about Krampus...
8) Your mother's overcooked turkey
"Why won't you baste??? Please, Mum. For Christmas."
7) The old guy trying to break and enter into your bedroom
"Ho ho ho, Meeeerr-" "-Shut the f*&k up and get in the car, sir."
We're all used to the old guy who every year breaks into our houses in order to steal credit for our hard-worked for Christmas gifts we bought for the little ones. But did you ever stop to think about how terrifying that is? Try to see it from the police's perspective:
"Incident report, 24th December: 11:59am
Called to incident at every house in world. Old man, mid-300s dressed as guy from Coca-Cola advert breaks and enters through chimney into almost all houses in UK simultaneously. Old man consumes pies and alcohol left out to appease him. Now extremely inebriated he proceeds to stumble his way into room of everyone in the house, leaving chocolate in socks.
Incident report, 25th December: 9:00am
All parents in world call up police. Old man has been taking credit for all gifts presented to children. Suspect is charged with fraud and suspected grooming. Suspect fled on flying machine without filing flight plan, violating international airspace rules and making this a military matter."
6) "Vintage" Christmas decorations
People in the past were inept at making Christmas decorations. Frankly, they shouldn't have even tried to make decorations until they were capable of making a Father Christmas less terrifying than this:
Or whatever the hell this is...
"Mummy, is Father Christmas going to eat that car-full of people, mummy?
"Yes dear. He's going to eat us all."
5) Modern day Christmas decorations
"No. No, there's no way I'm going poopie in Santa's mouth. That's my limit. He doesn't want it, you can see it in his eyes. Who thought of this???"
4) People dressed up as Santa for money
There's a weird tradition, going back many years, of taking your children to shopping centres and have them sit on the lap of a stranger, despite the fact that most kids clearly hate this:
Is that... No it can't be... Walter White? Is that you, Heisenberg? Cannot wait for the new series of Breaking Bad explaining this photograph.
"All I want for Christmas is for this moment to end."
"Ho ho ho no. You're not going anywhere, sonny."
"Is this too much make up?"
"No, no you're fine."
"You sure? You're not just saying that so the kids will soil themselves on me like last year?"
Pure nightmare fuel.
3) People dressing up as Santa in the olden days
It's scary that they do these things in modern times - but at least we're trying to entertain the children. In the olden days, it seems the goal was to scare the living crap out of them, as these vintage Santas show...
"What's wrong with Father Christmas, mother? I... I don't think he has a soul. Also why does he have a donkey and why does that donkey have a prison number?
"Stop asking questions and accept your fate, Jimmy."
"We're enjoying Christmas ever so much, Father."
"Yes, ever so much."
"Shall we kill the Christmas goose now, Father?"
"Yes Father. Let's kill the Christmas goose now. I'd enjoy that ever so much."
"But I don't want to smile"
"Smile or you know what will happen."
"He'll unleash Krampus?"
"Yes dear, he'll unleash Krampus."
"You'll see, dear. You'll all see..."
... I... I don't know how to... Oh Jesus.
2) The Ghost of Christmas Future from A Muppet's Christmas Carol
Up until the point where the ghost of Christmas future makes his entrance, A Muppet's Christmas Carol is a nice, muppet-filled film that's fun for all the family. Then in comes an eight foot tall dementor who's all about pointing your own grave out to you and showing you how little you're going to be missed when you're dead. MEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS, KIDS :D
1) Krampus, Krampus, oh God, Krampus
When you were younger your parents would always tell you "be good, or Santa won't bring you any presents. If you thought this was horrifying and cruel, you were wrong. In Germany, you have Krampus to worry about.
Krampus, about to be brought to the big screen in a terrifying comedy-horror, is a horned and goat-legged anti-santa who punishes children who misbehave. According to the folklore, Krampus is a friend of Santa who kidnaps naughty children and deals out Christmas justice. According to the state of our trousers after watching the film, he's terrifying.
In traditional Germanic tales he does anything from beating the children he's kidnapped to straight up killing them for their tiny misdeeds. Remember him when you're asked to tidy your room, kids. In the film a family gets trapped in a house with no electricity and little food, only to find they have much, much worse problems to deal with...
Nice fairytale, Germany. Thanks for that. You're going to have to make a hell of a lot of sauerkraut and dance around in so many lederhosen in order to make up for this one.
To celebrate the release of Krampus on Fri Dec 4, we've teamed up with Universal Pictures to offer you the chance of winning one of 10 x £100 experience day vouchers. Enter here, if you dare...