Students confess the worst thing they've done to their housemates
Students confess the worst thing they've done to their housemates. All appalling.
17) Jeff - "I filled his room with spiders to teach him a lesson about science"
"I had this friend who insisted that spiders were scared of conkers. He kept conkers in his room to 'ward off' the spiders. For some reason this really pissed me off. He was a scientist, for Christ's sakes. I tried explaining that conkers start to fall in Autumn, when spiders start to naturally die off - hence the superstition, but he wouldn't listen. Kept saying 'no, they just scare the sh*t out of spiders - conkers just freak spiders out for some reason'.
So, I took action. For the next two years I lived with the guy, every time I found a spider in the house, I'd pick it up and move it into his room and place it next to his conkers. At one point there were maybe 30/40 spiders living in his room, right next to his precious fucking conkers.
And it backfired. He now thinks that conkers somehow summon spiders. And he now works for a weapons manufacturer - sleep soundly."
16) Alex "No, YOU have a slug problem"
"I took slugs out of my room and threw them into my housemate’s room. When he said, 'we have a slug problem', I responded, “nah mate, you have a slug problem'."
"I stole £200 cash from one of my housemates."
14) Chloe - I sexed the bathroom door off
"I had sex in the bathroom of our old house and broke the door. We had a really remiss landlord so it didn’t get sorted for months. It kept swinging open while people were shitting, showering and pissing. I guess it was a pretty bad thing to do to myself, too."
A few years ago I was living in a big house with four other mates. One New Year’s Eve, those of us who were in London had a big boozy dinner before we went out, and we thought we’d cook chicken and play at being grown-ups. The only nice cooking dishes we had belonged to the only one of our housemates who wasn’t there, but we figured she wouldn’t mind – everything’s communal, right? It was one of those grown-up ones: Le Creuset, with a heavy lid. Very expensive, and usually sat on the counter, looking pretty.
We cooked the meal, got totally fucked and threw a party at ours and then did the cleaning the next morning. Except we forgot to clean the dish out, because it was just sitting with its lid on on the side, and so we sort of forgot it was full of moulding, slimy chicken bones.
A few weeks later – when it was crawling with maggots – she opened it up to start cooking a meal for her mum who was coming round. She threw up on top of the pile of rancid bones. We bought her a new one. They really are fucking expensive.
12) Anya - I left a dirty treat in my housemate's bed
"My housemate wouldn’t do his washing up so I left it in his bed and he came home drunk and lay on some dirty plates. He got congealed ketchup all over his sheets."
11) Laura - "We kind of forgot about our prank, until she started yelling"
"My guy mates had been going through some bins and found a discarded fleshlight. They thought it was hilarious and showed me, and we thought it would be funny to hide it in my housemate’s room. Worrying that it might have been used, my mate washed it out with soap before running into my housemate’s room and sticking one of her make-up brushes in it. She is pretty clean and was definitely going to hate it, but really couldn’t stop laughing at the make-up brush poking out this fake vagina. Anyway, we put it in a drawer and kind of forgot about it. Until she came home and starting yelling.
She ran downstairs, where we sat smirking. She screamed, “what the fuck?” and then as she pulled her makeup brush out, which was apparently pretty expensive, the soap my friend had washed it out with came oozing out. She thought it was cum, and it went on her hands, and that’s when she completely lost it. She said she expected it from the boys, but not from me. I felt really bad."
10) Sophie - I basically got my housemate pregnant
"My housemate had a really weird boyfriend in our second year of uni. He was way older, always smelled like weed and was quite handsy. We didn’t like him. They always had sex really loudly above our living room and so one day when he stopped mid bang – HE ALWAYS CLIMAXED IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT – and came into our living room to ask, bashfully, for a condom, I didn’t help. You could tell he was trying to articulate the word “condom” but couldn’t bring himself too because he was too embarrassed. Normally, I would have helped him out, but he was really annoying.
Eventually she came in and dragged him off, telling him to leave it. Anyway long story short she got pregnant, moved out, and now they have a kid."
9) Kiara "I threw out dishes rather than washing them"
"There was this massive pile of dishes building in the kitchen. No-one would do them, and they just kept building up, so eventually I'd do them. Then people started taking advantage of that, so instead of doing them, I'd smash anything that was left out for over a week.
They kept thanking me for weeks, before they realised they had virtually no dishes left. Then we had a big house meeting."
8) Sara - We played an adult version of piggy in the middle
In first year I had a flatmate who was a bit weird and antisocial. She drank alone every night instead of coming out with us. She was out one night with her (only) friend and the rest of us were having some drinks in the kitchen. Someone went to get something from the fridge and noticed something unusual in the fridge shelf – it took us a really long time to figure out what this slightly convex, round thing was but then the penny dropped and someone said, “wait, that’s a diaphragm”.
Seriously. She is the only person in the 21st-century who still uses a diaphragm. Someone threw it at someone else, and that was it, we spent quite a while batting our flatmates’ diaphragm around the kitchen. Yeah, it fell on the floor. Yeah, we put it back in the fridge and never told her.
7) Callum - I tried to give my friend an erection
"He was being really annoying over drinks, so we slipped a viagra into his pint. He threw up ten seconds later."
6) Matt - I brought home Catwoman
"It was Halloween, and I was on a mad one. I’d fake tanned my entire body and dyed my shoulder-length hair black – I was going as Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones in a very skimpy outfit. I went out and long story short I scored, but when we got back from the club and stumbled into my room we found my housemate asleep in my bed. Turns out he’d actually spoken to me on the phone earlier that evening and texted me twice to say he needed to sleep in my room because the neighbours were having a party and he had an exam to revise for – I’d completely forgotten and was now waking him up by bursting half-naked through the door with Catwoman on my arm.
Not content with ruining my relationship with just one housemate, I decided it would be a good idea for us to shag in the bed of my other housemate who was away for the weekend. After all, he’d never know. Although, of course, he did know – his white sheets and pillowcases were so badly stained with black hair dye and knock-off St Tropez that he had to throw them away."
5) George - I gave my housemates scabies
My housemates and I were pretty close, so we used to watch films together snuggled up in one duvet or share a bed after particularly heavy night out. Anyway, it was exam season, so when I developed a kind of itchy, eczema like condition on my legs, I attributed it to stress. Even when it continued for a good six weeks I still couldn’t be arsed to get a doctor’s appointment, and when I finally did I knew they’d just tell me it was stress. How stupid I felt, then, when the doctor turned round to me and told me I’d been living with scabies for the best part of two months. Not as stupid as my five housemates, however, who all had to cover themselves head-to-toe in insecticide and put their clothes and bedsheets in bin bags to stop the infestation spreading.
4) Tom - I gave my housemates genital warts
My depressed, lonely housemate stole my other depressed, lonely housemate’s fleshlight one night without telling him. He kept quiet about it until one evening, while we were drinking together, he confessed anxiously that he had contracted genital warts without having sex. The fleshlight owner confessed he had them too. They both went to the doctor the next day. I haven’t seen the fleshlight since.
3) Ellie - I let other couples use my housemates' beds
"Even though I’d go mad if my flatmates let their friends stay in my bed without asking, on more than one occasion I’ve offered up their empty beds if people have ended up crashing. On this particular evening, my friend and I had gone to a party where we both ended up pulling. The four of us came back to mine, as I was the only one who lived in London, and we carried on drinking. It got to a point where we all knew what we were waiting to do, and knowing my flatmate was away, I told them they could have her bed.
I woke up in a state of panic the next morning, worried my flatmate would get back to find them butt naked in her bed, condoms on the floor. I burst into the room, telling them they could go and sleep in my bed. I did a quick recce of the room before I left that day – and missed a condom under one of the pillows."
2) Richard - My housemate acted like he was Stalin
I was always worried about leaving anything around The Housemate whilst I was away for a few weeks. He was... different to other people. So when I left for the holidays I took everything with me I thought he'd mess with. Everything. Laptop, TV, toothpaste. Trust me when I say if I hadn't taken these things I'd have come back to a smashed laptop glued to the TV with toothpaste.
I left and came back a few weeks later and looked around the house. All looked fine. Suspiciously fine.
It took me about three weeks to notice the photographs.
Some time whilst I was away, he had taken every photograph of me in the house (and there were a lot of photographs of me), scanned them, PHOTOSHOPPED ME OUT OF THEM, printed them out and returned them to the wall.
It was so fucking creepy. There were family photos - without me in them. Photos of friends - without me in them. There were even selfies I'd taken that he'd photoshopped me out of like I was never there. I thought he was bad - turned out he wasn't above using Stalin's methods to mess with me.
When I confronted him he kept saying I was never there to begin with. Towards the end of the year he suggested we live together again in 3rd year. I declined.
1) Freddie - I blamed burglars for my toilet mishap
"You ever taken a dump so huge it overflowed the tank?
I got back early after the Xmas holidays and no-one was around so I decided to do a toilet tour of the house. I used all the toilets I was usually banned from, including my friends' en-suites. Only it was just after Xmas and I was a little backed up. So I go for a dump in this guy Matt's room and when I flush it just gushes over the top like the blood in lift scene from the Shining.
I run out of there as quick as I can and pack my things and go back to my parents house and decide to pretend like it never happened. Lie low whilst it all sorts itself out.
I come back to the house a few days later and a few of them have arrived. Deny all knowledge. Deny I've been in the house. They insist there must have been a burglary - start telling me how burglars always take a poo at the crime scene, like it's some kind of common knowledge. When they talked about calling the police I thought I might have to confess, but I managed to convince them that I'd report everything whilst they were at uni. I didn't, of course, but I even went to the trouble of mocking up a fake police report, just in case my housemates asked for 'proof'. It's been about ten years since the incident and they still talk about how gross it was, and I will die before I tell them it was me."
Stories from SMS staff, our audience and this glorious article on The Tab.