26 massively weird stock photos that demand explanation
Stock photos are photos taken by photographers which they think people (mainly journalists and businesses) will want to use at some point. These are some f**king weird photos that photographers thought people would be searching for.
26) Woman from future gazes lovingly at sweetcorn
"Sure it doesn't seem like people will use this stock photo much NOW, but mark my words - in thirty years' time, when people are wearing lycra and banging sweetcorn left, right and centre I am going to milk this cash cow. You've got to think ahead when you're in the stock photo game."
25) Bunny in business suit wielding shotgun, holding up bank, killing self
"That's great, we've got two photos of the bunny looking threatening. Let's get one of the bunny taking his own life, just in case."
24) Osama Bin Laden smoking weed and thinking about a horse, some Pepsi and a football
"Sure, no-one is searching for this photo right now. But what happens when Osama Bin Laden comes back, lights up a bunch of doobs and starts thinking about horses? Hmm? Who's laughing then? Me, that's who."
23) Man with keyboard for teeth freaks out about massive hands
"THEY'RE TOO BIG TO PLAY MY TINY TEETH! OH THE IRONY!!"
22) Dog uninterested that it's raining sausages at Christmas
"What's that? What's that boy? Is it raining sausages? Is it raining sausages, boy?"
"It's no use, Daniel, he's lost all interest in life. Looks like little Charlie's seen his last Christmas. Take a photo, capture the moment he lost all hope."
21) Twat gets stuck in washing machine
What news item is this stock photographer waiting for, when his photo will finally be used? "Man thinks he's clothes, dies hilariously"?
20) Man with watermelon for head turns to cannibalism
"Why do I need to put the watermelon on my head?"
"Just put the watermelon on your head, Jack."
"But why do I need it on my head?"
"Just put the melon on your bonce, please."
"But it's wet."
"JUST PUT THE F*CKING WATERMELON ON YOUR HEAD, JACK OR YOU WON'T BE PAID. Jesus, Christ, Julie, where do you find these models? Questions, questions, questions."
19) Bunny wabbit with moustache weighs cabbages
"That's great. Perfect Ron. Everyone will want to use the 'bunny rabbit with moustache weighs cabbage' stock photo. Now let's try one without the robe."
"Lose the robe, Ron, you heard me. And pucker your lips this time, for Christ's sake."
18) Three men in make up pioneer the threeway kiss
"Better put a watermark on this one, it could be worth millions, what we've done here today."
17) Man discovers he is moose
"AGGH! Telegraph say me am moose!!"
16) Scientists inject ducks with experimental coloured heroin
15) People who don't know how carrots work
For some reason there is a whole subgenre of stock photos out there of people shoving carrots into various orifices other than their mouths. Don't Google it.
14) Woman in shit dress runs away from moon
"This one's future proof. We'll all live like this by 2020."
13) Woman fires pineapple out of vagina
"You may think this stock photo is worthless now, but mark my words I'll cash in when people start banging pineapples."
12) Santa goes to rehab
"Christmas is just around the corner, better get some more shots of Santa shooting up heroin, before the rush."
11) Businessman with blindfold torn which hand to touch self with
"Lefty, or trusty righty?"
10) Crocodile Dundee suspicious that laptop may be crocodile
"That's not a laptop. I'd know a croc sprayed in paint anywhere."
9) Woman shocked at how maps work
"It's like a phone map, but on paper! And shit!"
8) Drummer drums whilst the wall lists motivational vegetables - all in praise of America
"YEAH AMERICA! YEAH CARROTS!"
7) Woman flirts with corpse
"Ok you still look to mourny. Try to look like you want to take him back to your place."
6) Businessman searches on laptop whilst dryhumping surfboard
"Why would anyone use this photo, John?"
"Last resort, I guess?"
5) Woman attempts to snort doughnuts
"Ok, that's great. Now let's try one where you've actually managed to snort one up your snort tube and now you need medical attention. I tell you - when people start snorting doughnuts again we're going to be loaded. My god, I miss the 80s."
4) Man suspects corn-dog is penis
"People will search for this. I promise you there's a market for this stock photo."
3) Bald man considers banging melon head
"That's great, but do your expression like it's a forbidden love. Perfect."
2) Man in banana suit kicks the sh*t out of dog
"If no-one else, we'll sell hundreds of these to the RSPCA."
1) Apple with teeth gets vengeance
"Perfect, got it. Now, in three months time we'll be billionaires. Stock photography, that's where the money is."