13 things the kid from Home Alone should have gone to jail for.
In Home Alone a child, Kevin McCallister, is left home alone and has to defend himself against a couple of inept burglars. But the kid had plenty of opportunity to get help or, you know, just leave the house and call the police. Instead he decided to torture the burglars in every way imaginable, turning his house into his own macabre house of horrors version of Guantanamo Bay.
And sure, the burglars should go to jail, but here are 13 things the kid from Home Alone should also have gone to jail for.
13) Shooting a trapped man in the head
It's fine to defend your house. Might even be fine to trap a cat burglar in a cat-flap. But shooting a subdued burglar in the face, taunting him with a big old smile (showing malice). You're going to jail, boy.
12) Setting someone on fire and putting petrol in the toilet
Ok, at a push if you had no other weapon on you other than a homemade flamethrower you could possibly convince a jury that you acted (without thinking) in self-defence. But setting up a toilet full of petrol so that the burglar will explode if he tries to put his burning head out shows that you did have time to think of other options - may we recommend calling the police - but just wanted to blow shit up. Get in with the murderers, Culkin, you're a psychopath.
11) Making a hole in the floor so that the burglar will fall to their death
Home Alone kid - "I had to defend myself - and not enough time to think it through."
"You put a six-foot hole in the floor, that must have taken hours. We're not even giving you a lawyer." - Police.
10) Putting tarantulas onto a burglar's face
You could argue that the tarantula has had his venom removed, but this is definitely assault of some kind. Self defence is punching a guy - submitting him to psychological assault in the time you could have used to, you know, call the police, is assault.
9) Shooting a man in the crotch and face
Shooting a guy in the face and crotch is pretty cold. Setting up a booby trap so that whoever comes to the door next will be shot in the crotch and leg is borderline psychopathic. This... this could easily have been someone coming to investigate all the noise, and rescue the helpless child that he's then shot in the crotch. Kevin, you might deserve to be in jail.
8) That time he tried to kill a burglar with a brick instead of yelling "help - burglar"
You've got options here, Kevin. Just yell "help me, please" until someone looks up. But no. Instead you decide to throw a brick at the burglar's face knowing full well it'll probably kill him. Just because this guy apparently has a head made of metal (probably after the doctors repaired his skull after last time you met him) and gravity isn't working today for some reason doesn't mean you shouldn't go to jail for murder. This guy should be dead, and you should get 15-life.
7) That time he booby-trapped a door to do his killing for him
Kevin... why won't you just leave the house? Why are you trying to kill them? Yes, they're bad people, but seriously... do you need to set up a potentially lethal trap in every room of the house?
6) Electrocuting a man until he turns into a skellington
Yep. The kid from Home Alone straight up killed a man in cold blood here. We know he appears to be alive in the next scene, but this must be some sort of flashback. There is no cure for "being a dead skeleton". No-one has ever successfully resuscitated some bones.
5) The time he knocked two men unconscious and made them fall 12 foot
This is getting pretty messed up, son. You've had plenty of opportunity to leave the house and find the nearest adult. Instead you used this time to turn the whole abandoned building into a death trap, like some kind of cartoon serial killer. You're going to jail for a long time.
4) That time he tried to crush some people to death
There is no way the kid from Home Alone managed to make this trap on the fly. He's clearly spent years planning this. He's got horrifying designs hidden under his bed and has probably named the contraption "the bone crusher". It's pretty clear that Kevin just wants to hurt some people, and was lucky enough to be burgled.
3) The time he sent two guys out of a fourth floor window using a rope that's on fire, onto a catapult and surely to their deaths
When this all goes to trial, Kevin McCallister is surely going to use the "I didn't know they'd be injured that badly" defence at some point, and "I just wanted them out of the house". At which point the opposing lawyer will say "then why did you set their escape route on fire? They were fleeing, Kevin. They were scared and they fled, and you set their escape route on fire. This is as good a time as any to bring up that we will be seeking the death penalty."
2) That time he covered the fleeing burglars in bird feed, so that the birds would peck them to death
Oh... Oh Kevin. Why did you do this? They're injured, they just fell four floors on fire. They have serious burns to deal with, and then you... you covered them in chicken feed and let them be attacked by doves. That's a peaceful bird, Kevin. What's wrong with you??
1) That time he did some credit card fraud
Ok, this is the least of Kevin's crimes. But you know how they got Al Capone on tax evasion? Surely they can get this psychopath on credit card fraud. All we're saying is it would be very easy to put Kevin away for impersonating his parents and using their credit card to finance his horrible, evil lifestyle. Given what a satanically evil child he is, we're sure the parents would gladly be a witness for the prosecution.