10 conversations every fresher has at some point
Here are the scripts of the conversations every student has at some point.
10) A level results
Fresher 1: So what grades did you get at A-level
Fresher 2: I don’t want to say. I did alright
Fresher 1: Go on what did you get.
Fresher 2: I really don’t want to say. I did fine.
Fresher 1: Ah ok.
Fresher 2: No you pushed me I got...
Fresher 1: It’s fine really...
Fresher 2: You twisted my arm
Fresher 1: Really it’s ok
Fresher 2: I got fucking As, ok, Jesus. All fucking As. 6 of them. Here's a fucking article they wrote about me in the local paper, with a picture of me jumping for joy.
FRESHER 2 PULLS OUT PORTFOLIO.
9) Nicknames
Fresher 1: Hi I’m [GENERIC FRESHER NAME] but people generally call me the J-man?
Fresher 2: Hi I’m [GENERIC FRESHER NAME] but people also generally call me the J-man
FRESHER ONE AND FRESHER TWO FIGHT. WHOEVER KILLS THE OTHER ONE GETS TO KEEP THE TITLE “THE J-MAN”
8) With the Scot
Fresher 1: You’re from Scotland?
Fresher 2: Aye.
…
Fresher 1: What are haggis, heroin and bar fights like?
7) The Crush
Female fresher: I really like someone but I don’t know how to tell them.
Male fresher: [CASUAL, BUT SQUEAKY] Really?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Male fresher: [DEEP MANLY TONE] Really?
Female fresher: Yeah but it’s awkward because they’re also in halls
Male fresher: Yeah?
Female fresher: Yeah… so...
Male fresher: I think you should tell them.
Female fresher: They live so close to me though, what if it gets awkward?
Male fresher: Look if you like someone you should just tell me. Him. You should tell him. Just fucking tell m him, ok?
Female fresher: Ok. I'm going to tell him
TAKES DEEP BREATH
Female fresher: It’s Darren. So you think I should tell him?
AWKWARD PAUSE
Male fresher: Yeah. I said that.
Female fresher: You sure?
Male fresher: Of course. I said that seconds ago so I guess I should I stand by it. I think you should tell the dick. Fucking Darren?
Female fresher: Darren, yeah.
Male fresher: Darren the douchbag? Douchebag Darren?!
Female fresher: Darren, yeah.
Male fresher: Yeah. You go and tell fucking Darren.
FEMALE FRESHER LEAVES AND TELLS DARREN. MALE FRESHER REMAINS AND CRIES HIMSELF TO SLEEP, ALONE, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
6) Never have I ever
Fresher 1: Never have I ever had a threesome
Scott drinks
Fresher 2: Never have I ever had a foursome
Scott drinks
Fresher 3: Never have I ever instigated an orgy with five of my closest friends
Scott drinks
[SOME TIME LATER]
Fresher 4: Never have I ever masturbated outdoors whilst an alpaca with a hat on watched with a look of disgust.
Scott drinks
Fresher 1: Never have I ever felated myself to the rhythym of God Save the Queen on memorial Sunday.
Scott drinks. The others stare.
Scott (drunk): What? Why are you all looking at me like that?
Fresher 2: I think someone needs to explain the rules to Scott.
Scott drinks.
5) The northerner
Fresher 1: You’re from the north, huh?
Fresher 2: Aye, t’north.
Fresher 1: Is it cold up there?
Fresher 2: Aye, it’s a bit warmer in ‘ south
Fresher 1: I meant is it cold when you’re sleeping up there. In the mines.
Fresher 2: I’m from Bolton. We don’t do coal, we do cotton.
Fresher 1: Ahuh. Sure. Was it cold in the cotton mines?
Fresher 2: [SIGHS]
Fresher 1: Say “it isn't in the tin”
SIGH
Fresher 2: Really??
Fresher 1: Go on. Say “it isn't in the tin”
Fresher 2: T'int in tin.
Fresher 1: [GIGGLES WITH GLEE]
4) What's that noise?
Fresher 1: WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
Fresher 2: FIRE!
Fresher 1: WHAT?
Fresher 2: FIRE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Fresher 1: I'M GOING BACK TO BED
Fresher 2: WHAT? THERE'S A FIRE, WE HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE OR THE FIRE WILL MAKE US DIE.
Fresher 1: I'VE MADE MY PEACE WITH THAT. I'M GOING BACK TO BED, I'M TIRED.
Fresher 3 emerges from a smoky kitchen, stumbling and drunk.
Fresher 3: IF ANYONE WANTS SOME TOAST I'VE MADE SOME TOAST. IT'S A BIT BURNT BUT IT'S GOOD TOAST. IT'S MY OWN RECIPE.
3) Where are you from?
Fresher 1: Where are you from?
Fresher 2: Lower Broadheath
Fresher 1: Where's that?
Fresher 2: Near Hallow
Fresher 1: Where's that?
Fresher 2: Near Worcester
Fresher 1: Where's that?
Fresher 2: Near Birmingham
Fresher 1: Where's that?
Fresher 2: Near London
Fresher 1: Where's that?
Fresher 2: England
Fresher 1: Where's that?
Fresher 1: Here's a fucking map. Go to your room and study it.
2) I'll work next year
Fresher 1: I haven't gone to any lectures this month
Fresher 2: Me neither
Fresher 1: I'll be better next year
Fresher 2: First year doesn't count
Fresher 1: Just have to pass it
Fresher 2: Doesn't count at all
Fresher 1: Second year will be better. I'll work in the second year.
Fresher 2: Me too.
Fresher 1: How good is the plagiarism software? I have an essay due in an hour....
1) I'm so old
Fresher 1: I'm so old.
Fresher 2: How old are you?
Fresher 1: 19
PAUSE
Fresher 2: Jesus Christ, you're old
Fresher 1: I know.
Fresher 2: You're practically dead.
Fresher 1: I know.
Fresher 2: When's your first prostate exam due? Looked into coffins yet?
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