Here are the scripts of the conversations every student has at some point.

10) A level results

Fresher 1: So what grades did you get at A-level

Fresher 2: I don’t want to say. I did alright

Fresher 1: Go on what did you get.

Fresher 2: I really don’t want to say. I did fine.

Fresher 1: Ah ok.

Fresher 2: No you pushed me I got...

Fresher 1: It’s fine really...

Fresher 2: You twisted my arm

Fresher 1: Really it’s ok

Fresher 2: I got fucking As, ok, Jesus. All fucking As. 6 of them. Here's a fucking article they wrote about me in the local paper, with a picture of me jumping for joy.

FRESHER 2 PULLS OUT PORTFOLIO.

9) Nicknames

Fresher 1: Hi I’m [GENERIC FRESHER NAME] but people generally call me the J-man?

Fresher 2: Hi I’m [GENERIC FRESHER NAME] but people also generally call me the J-man

FRESHER ONE AND FRESHER TWO FIGHT. WHOEVER KILLS THE OTHER ONE GETS TO KEEP THE TITLE “THE J-MAN”

8) With the Scot

Fresher 1: You’re from Scotland?

Fresher 2: Aye.

…

Fresher 1: What are haggis, heroin and bar fights like?

7) The Crush

Female fresher: I really like someone but I don’t know how to tell them.

Male fresher: [CASUAL, BUT SQUEAKY] Really?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Male fresher: [DEEP MANLY TONE] Really?

Female fresher: Yeah but it’s awkward because they’re also in halls

Male fresher: Yeah?

Female fresher: Yeah… so...

Male fresher: I think you should tell them.

Female fresher: They live so close to me though, what if it gets awkward?

Male fresher: Look if you like someone you should just tell me. Him. You should tell him. Just fucking tell m him, ok?

Female fresher: Ok. I'm going to tell him

TAKES DEEP BREATH

Female fresher: It’s Darren. So you think I should tell him?

AWKWARD PAUSE

Male fresher: Yeah. I said that.

Female fresher: You sure?

Male fresher: Of course. I said that seconds ago so I guess I should I stand by it. I think you should tell the dick. Fucking Darren?

Female fresher: Darren, yeah.

Male fresher: Darren the douchbag? Douchebag Darren?!

Female fresher: Darren, yeah.

Male fresher: Yeah. You go and tell fucking Darren.

FEMALE FRESHER LEAVES AND TELLS DARREN. MALE FRESHER REMAINS AND CRIES HIMSELF TO SLEEP, ALONE, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

6) Never have I ever

Fresher 1: Never have I ever had a threesome

Scott drinks

Fresher 2: Never have I ever had a foursome

Scott drinks

Fresher 3: Never have I ever instigated an orgy with five of my closest friends

Scott drinks

[SOME TIME LATER]

Fresher 4: Never have I ever masturbated outdoors whilst an alpaca with a hat on watched with a look of disgust.

Scott drinks

Fresher 1: Never have I ever felated myself to the rhythym of God Save the Queen on memorial Sunday.

Scott drinks. The others stare.

Scott (drunk): What? Why are you all looking at me like that?

Fresher 2: I think someone needs to explain the rules to Scott.

Scott drinks.

5) The northerner

Fresher 1: You’re from the north, huh?

Fresher 2: Aye, t’north.

Fresher 1: Is it cold up there?

Fresher 2: Aye, it’s a bit warmer in ‘ south

Fresher 1: I meant is it cold when you’re sleeping up there. In the mines.

Fresher 2: I’m from Bolton. We don’t do coal, we do cotton.

Fresher 1: Ahuh. Sure. Was it cold in the cotton mines?

Fresher 2: [SIGHS]

Fresher 1: Say “it isn't in the tin”

SIGH

Fresher 2: Really??

Fresher 1: Go on. Say “it isn't in the tin”

Fresher 2: T'int in tin.

Fresher 1: [GIGGLES WITH GLEE]

4) What's that noise?

Fresher 1: WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

Fresher 2: FIRE!

Fresher 1: WHAT?

Fresher 2: FIRE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Fresher 1: I'M GOING BACK TO BED

Fresher 2: WHAT? THERE'S A FIRE, WE HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE OR THE FIRE WILL MAKE US DIE.

Fresher 1: I'VE MADE MY PEACE WITH THAT. I'M GOING BACK TO BED, I'M TIRED.

Fresher 3 emerges from a smoky kitchen, stumbling and drunk.

Fresher 3: IF ANYONE WANTS SOME TOAST I'VE MADE SOME TOAST. IT'S A BIT BURNT BUT IT'S GOOD TOAST. IT'S MY OWN RECIPE.

3) Where are you from?

Fresher 1: Where are you from?

Fresher 2: Lower Broadheath

Fresher 1: Where's that?

Fresher 2: Near Hallow

Fresher 1: Where's that?

Fresher 2: Near Worcester

Fresher 1: Where's that?

Fresher 2: Near Birmingham

Fresher 1: Where's that?

Fresher 2: Near London

Fresher 1: Where's that?

Fresher 2: England

Fresher 1: Where's that?

Fresher 1: Here's a fucking map. Go to your room and study it.

2) I'll work next year

Fresher 1: I haven't gone to any lectures this month

Fresher 2: Me neither

Fresher 1: I'll be better next year

Fresher 2: First year doesn't count

Fresher 1: Just have to pass it

Fresher 2: Doesn't count at all

Fresher 1: Second year will be better. I'll work in the second year.

Fresher 2: Me too.

Fresher 1: How good is the plagiarism software? I have an essay due in an hour....

1) I'm so old

Fresher 1: I'm so old.

Fresher 2: How old are you?

Fresher 1: 19

PAUSE

Fresher 2: Jesus Christ, you're old

Fresher 1: I know.

Fresher 2: You're practically dead.

Fresher 1: I know.

Fresher 2: When's your first prostate exam due? Looked into coffins yet?

Fresher? Check out the 16 funniest things overheard at uni or 10 horrifying foods every fresher eventually eats...