7 types of bad neighbour everyone has at uni

Funny Neighbours

…and you thought halls were bad. Sharing a house or flat brings with it a raft of responsibilities, a fair share of hilarities and one particular new difficulty: neighbours. Unless you rent next to your mates – and even if you do, sometimes - chances are those living around you aren’t going to end up your besties.

What’s that old expression? “Keep your friends close but your enemies closer…” Well, quite.

Without further ado - the 7 types of bad neighbour we all have at uni...

1. The ones who turn their house into a gym

Somehow, there’s always a house where a group of guys all determined to have bigger boobs than their favourite porn stars have congregated. You’ll spot them walking around in Jack Wills, doing their best to bring the wife beater back into fashion and, at the first glimpse of the sun, lifting an exercise bench into the front garden for some al fresco benching. Topless, naturally.

If you ever venture their way, expect to open the door to dumbbells stacked in the hallway, an eye-assaulting stench of Lynx clouding the air and a lively discussion of how much hotter Cameron Diaz used to be in The Mask.

Sure, they’ll be a little douchey, but so long as you can put up with the raucous Wednesday night sports lash, they won’t be too much trouble, so long as you can forgive endless preening and their need for attention.

2. The ones with hobbies

Who are these people and why did they have to live upstairs?! Ballroom dancing enthusiasts? By all means, stamp that passodolbe out. Karaoke lover with big dreams, you say? Why, of course you must have your speakers next to my wall. Up and coming table-tennis star? Who doesn’t love the lullaby of ping-pong?

It starts as a novelty: you’re wondering what that sound can possibly be. Rest assured, the funny side wears thinly pretty quickly. It’s difficult to complain about, too – it’s not as if this is just a party a little out of hand. This is the way they relax, their source of fun. And you’d have to be a real miserable sod to silence their only fun… so, buckle up, you’re just going to have to lump it.

3. The ones who try and make friends

...even though you clearly don't want to.

It starts with a doorbell ringing. It’s the innocent shake of the hand, a quick hello and an invite to their house warming. This could be good – neighbours you don’t despise, who won’t despise you back.

A few days later, they’re back to remind you about the house warming. Then it’s a Facebook friend request. Then it’s a message to say sorry you didn’t make the house warming but it’s ok, they’re having drinks tonight and got you all some beers.

It’s starting to get uncomfortable now – and that’s the point you realise you never heard the house warming. Was anyone else even at their house that night? Oh Christ, maybe it was just a ploy to get you over there… OH MY FUCK, they’re going to murder you. You’re living next to creepy murderers with big smiles and bad party organising skills. Must. Do. Everything. To. Avoid. Speaking. To. Them. Ever. Again.

4. The ones you never see

These people aren’t a problem, per se, but it’s unsettling as hell. Almost enough to convince you ghosts do exist, these people (you’ll never know if they’re men, women or a mix of both) show all the signs of existing while never actually appearing to prove it. Doors will slam, windows will open and close, radios will play.

Once, when the moon shines full and bright, there'll be a trace of perfume and perhaps, if you’re very lucky, a shadow. But that’s it – you’ll never go to one of their parties, you’ll never exchange passive-aggressive notes with them and you certainly won’t know their names. Don’t let it get to you – many have been driven to their wits end trying to discover the mystery of their spectral neighbours.

5. The creeps

It’s the (possibly) age old question: when does harmless flirting become stalking?

Not dissimilar to the neighbours who try too hard to be friends, except this particular neighbour is doing everything they can to add ‘with benefits’ to that. It might start as relentless flirting, but why are they always coming out of their house when you are? Sunbathing this year is out of the question. And what’s that smell?
Wait - why are their curtains always closed? What's that light?


6. The sex addicts

It’s 3am, and your street is filled with the squeaks of a bed begging for mercy and gasping voices. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, OH FUCK” a voice screams, “I’m cummmingggggg.” Why are you telling us this? Are you sufficiently bored you've resorted to a running commentary?

Every night, most mornings and weirdly often around lunchtime, comes some animal grunts and the sound of slapping. It’s not that you resent a healthy sex life- you don’t – but that’s just too damn loud. We get it, you're having sex... guess what? So did your parents.

7. The party house

You probably actually quite like these neighbours, especially when you’re invited, so long as they don't go crazy all the time. The main problem? That they can do it over and over, seemingly without repercussions. While you’re dying in bed the next morning, they’re chirpily throwing out all the bottles from last night (smash smash smash), whistling loudly and shouting between themselves about what a good night it was. And it was – but couldn’t they just have the decency to have a hangover like the rest of us?