7 Black Friday horror stories (that prove shopping is terrifying)
Shopping is something that shouldn't have a mortality rate. It's looking for goods, paying for those goods, and leaving the shop. At no point in that sentence did anyone take a "death dive", "spiral out of control" or "recklessly drive a car through a hospital", and so you'd expect death and injury rates to be low.
Not so on Black Friday. In the UK, Black Friday has largely been a peaceful affair, however last year the police were called to three Tescos stores and an Asda.
In America it's a different story. It takes place one day after Thanksgiving in America, so it's sort of like Boxing day, except with a massive risk of tramplings, gun wounds and death. Poor gun control and stressful Thanksgiving memories collude to make every Walmart or Bestbuy feel like a war zone.
It turns out most shoppers are only a '20% off tupperware deal' away from turning to gun violence, armed robbery and leaving their toddlers unattended in cars.
Here are seven stories of shopping turned to mayhem that make you want to shop online this Black Friday.
7) A man pulls a gun on a line-cutter
'Get back in line, boy'.
A man pulled a gun on a line-cutter (sort of like a queue jumper, but with an American accent) in a Sears store (sort of like a Debenhams, but probably with guns) on Black Friday 2012.
Guess where this took place? Yep, that's right, it was Texas. You happy now, you racist? It took place in Texas, the place in the world where manners are taken very seriously indeed and gun violence not nearly serious enough.
Next time you feel like cutting into a queue, try to remember what happened there. Any time you cut in, it could end in gun violence. There. That's a little more effective than a tut. Get out of my queue.
The police ended up not pursuing any charges on the gun-toting shopper, ruling that the queue jumper had been a physical threat, having punched his way into the queue.
6) A woman pulls a gun on some cops
A lady in Michigan pulled a gun on some cops in an attempt to get away with stolen merchandise, taken during a Black Friday sale. After being detained by mall cops with stolen merchandise the woman and her accomplice threatened them with a gun, turning a misdemeanour of petty theft into a full-blown gun crime felony.
Why she chose Black Friday to do this is beyond belief. If she were to do a quietly quietly hush hush heist you could understand, slip in on Black Friday when the stores are busy, grab some stuff and high-tail it out of there. Instead she and her accomplice chose Black Friday as the day they'd attempt some gun crime, a day when there'd be hundreds upon hundreds of witnesses.
I'm no expert, but if there's one thing I know about gun crime it's "leave no witnesses" and "hold your gun sideways because it looks cool".
After desperately making a getaway from the scene, the two were later arrested without any incident later that same day.
5) Man leaves baby to do his own thing, has urgent shopping to do
Haider Hassan Khudhair Darwash, was charged with felony child neglect after his 2-month-old child was found asleep in a car seat, having been left there whilst Darwash went off to do some Black Friday shopping.
An off-duty police officer spotted the child and when no-one returned after 10 minutes, smashed the window to release the sleeping child.
Shortly thereafter, Darwash identified himself as the boy's father, but said he thought his son was with his wife.
In his defence, when has a baby ever offered to push the trolly? Exactly.
I stand corrected. More of these on the Daily Mail.
Now the case for the prosecution: The man left a baby in a car like you would a thousand chocolate wrappers and a scarf you are no longer fond of. Bad man.
Fortunately the child suffered no injuries.
4) Two people shot over a parking space
Everybody loves a parking space. They're like a temporary holiday home for your car. Some people, however, love them so much they're willing to fight for them with bullets.
On Black Friday 2012 a fight over a parking space led to two people being shot and wounded outside a Walmart in Tallahassee. That's right, people were so keen to park near a Walmart that they were willing to have an old-school duel over bad parking etiquette.
This isn't the incident that caused the gun fight, but I'm posting this here in the hope someone can explain to me how it happened. More fails here.
Police officers responded to the call just after noon, and the man and the woman were taken to a nearby hospital to treat their wounds. Don't worry, they made a full recovery.
They were discovered injured in the garden section of Walmart, and the report is unclear whether the shoppers were shot there or were just so determined to get a deal on a pot-plant that they were undeterred by being shot in their bodies with a gun.
3) Black Friday worker works so hard she drives into a canal
A worker in a canal boat pictured here attempting to do the opposite.
You may think you're tired after Black Friday shopping, but spare a thought for the workers. They've campaigned hard to have reasonable hours over the holidays and largely to no avail.
One worker at a Target outlet in Miami back in 2011 was so exhausted after being asked to work from 00:00am on Black Friday that on her drive home she straight up drove her car into a canal. Once she was in there the 36 year old calmly rang the police and explained the situation, which is impressive considering she was both unable to swim and sinking fast.
Frank Mayo, the Sheriff's Deputy, jumped in and rescued the woman, who made a full recovery.
What a hero. He should be rewarded with a TV show depicting his life, in which he's partnered with a surly cop named Gary Tuna.
2) Black Friday shoppers see collapsing man as an obstacle
It's no secret People trample over other people like they're a horse at the grand fucking national.
I don't know what's gone on here, either.
But you'd hope people would pause every now and then to check that the objects they are trampling 1) aren't human or at the very least 2) aren't dead.
Somewhat disturbingly, not many people did this in 2011 in a Target store in West Virginia, where a shopper collapsed whilst shoppers continued to shop around his body.
Fortunately not everyone was so callous. Six nurses who happened to be shopping there did come to his aid, forgoing the opportunities for deals in favour of helping the man, unfortunately to no avail.
1) Man at Walmart requires pepper spray, woman at same Walmart spits at a strangers child
Things turned pretty ugly pretty fast at a Walmart on Black Friday 2013. (By the way, if you're from Walmart or Target, please hire better security as all of these stories seem to take place in your stores).
Police were called to deal with an incident of a woman spitting at a stranger's child. However, when they arrived at the scene they found an unrelated incident of a aggravated assault by a 29 year old man on a store manager, and decided to pepper spray the gentleman, since he was en-route.
The man, adrenaline clearly still pumping from all the Black Friday deals he saw, continued to assault the police officer after he'd been pepper sprayed and was led away from the scene.
We'd recommend shopping online this Black Friday. It's much safer. Check out our Black Friday section for all the latest deals.