7 Bizarre Reasons to Attempt Movember

There are plenty of good reasons to do Movember, including raising prostate and testicular cancer awareness, and to give your nose some company.

Here are a few more bizarre reasons to ponder whilst you sit there and try to squeeze some hair out of your face using pure power of will.

You waste 125 days of your life shaving

The average man spends 125 days of his lifetime shaving. That's ten more days than you spend laughing, and almost a hundred days more than you spend being romantic (less than a month in total).

All this pales in comparison to the whopping one and a half years spent on the toilet in a lifetime and six months spent queuing.

None of this is time you can get back, so either find a disgusting way to combine shaving, being romantic and queuing all whilst firing one out on the toilet, or get some of your time back by not shaving this Movember.

dont bother shaving

Some things can only be said with a moustache

A moustache says a lot more about you than the gap between your nose and mouth ever could.

Take a look at these moustache options and what they say about you:

The sailboat:

sailboat moustache

What it says about you:
"Fuck you, gravity, my body hair doesn't obey physics."

The Tom Selleck

tom selleck moustache

What it says about you:

"I’m Tom Selleck".

The Chaplin

chaplin moustache

What it says about you:

“I am either unaware of most of 20th century history, or a massive racist.”

The Vortex

vortex moustache

What it says about you

"I am not a man. I am merely transport for magnificent facial hair."

The Double

double moustache

What it says about you:
"I have two moustaches".

The triple

triple moustache

What it says about you:

"Two of my three moustaches contain mucus".

The Controller

controller moustache

What it says about you:

“Everything is ok, people. I have arrived.”

The Surprise moustache

surprise moustache

What it says about you:

"I care more about Movember than I do about dental hygiene."

The Batman

batman moustache

What it says about you:

I’m in a situation so bad I need to summon Batman, but have no other method of communication.

The classic handlebar moustache

handlebar moustache

What it says about you:
"I own a pipe".

The Riddler

riddler moustache

What it says about you:
"I'm mysterious"

Full moustache with beard pigtails

What it says about you:

"I'm an upside-down nine year old school girl".

Use it to catch 2 pints of Guiness a year

guinness moustache

An average of 162,719 pints of Guiness a year are trapped in moustaches, according to scientific research. With an estimated 92,370 drinkers with facial hair in the UK, who consume on average 180 pints each a year, the total cost of Guinness trapped in moustaches works out at £423,070.

In one year that's almost 2 pints of Guiness per moustache. In November alone you could save up to 1/5th of a pint just above your lip.

Use your moustache to justify buying moustache products

It's very hard to justify buying a moustache trainer without a moustache.

buy moustache products

The matching baby 'stache

baby moustache

Available on Amazon for £4.95.

The bulldog's disguise

Moustaches for dogs are understandably more expensive. They cost £10 and are only available in America, where making your pet look like a tool is practically mandatory.

The cheaper version:

cheaper moustache

Available wherever you have a finger and a dog, whilst stocks last.

The moustache protecting soup spoon

Moustache spoon, 1904

This is a genuine invention in Victorian Britain- a spoon you can use in conjunction with a moustache. Demonstrated below by a man it's impossible to picture ever eating soup:

Usually he eats bears he's killed with his own fists.

The Kaiser Mustache Trainer

kaiser moustache trainer

Shortly after this was invented, Moustache Valets went out of business. There's a very moving Downton Abbey episode dedicated to the topic.

Participate in the full beard and moustache freestyle competition

This is an annual competition for people tired of not having a windmill growing out of their face.

The championship gets so many entrants they have to have a lot of separate categories, including "Partial Beard Freestyle (non-goatee). None of these categories can be entered without a moustache.

Grow yourself a socially acceptable thing to touch 22,800 times a month

The average moustached man touches his 'tache 760 times a day. If you don't have a moustache people are probably suspicious about what you're doing with your hands and what you're touching during all that free time you spend not touching a moustache.

Get a free shave

If you're attempting to grow one of these bad boys, you can get free moustache shaping (a shave of your choice) if you're in or around London. Having an appointment for your moustache may be the manliest thing you ever get to do.

free moustache shaping

"I'm sorry I won't be able to attend today, my moustache has other places to be."

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