55 Bizarre Facts Uni Isnt Teaching You
Your uni teaches you a lot, but not weird stuff like how Whitney Houston could have prevented 9/11, or what kind of flu is the most racist. Here are some bizarre facts that you might not find elsewhere.
- How could Whitney Houston have prevented 9/11?
By altering her song lyrics to go “and I will always love Jews” or belting out “learning to love the Jews is the greatest love of all”. Osama Bin Laden was, weirdly, a massive fan of Whitney Houston. He even had dreams of "wooing" her and plotted to kill Bobby Brown, Whitney's actual husband to make it possible. Whitney clearly could have made a much more religiously tolerant man out of him.
- Which stereotype did Canadians conform to during world war 2?
The one about them all being lumberjacks. Canadians were armed with chainsaws when they went to war. They also said “aboot” a lot.
- What role did FedEx play in the assassination of Osama bin laden?
Sailors on the boat confirmed they'd buried Osama had been buried at sea with the coded message 'FedEx have delivered the package'. The phrase 'Royal Mail have attempted delivery and your package is now waiting at your nearest depot' would mean 'we've lost his corpse en route'.
- What is the strongest organism in the world and would be right at home in my pants?
The gonorrhoea bacteria, which can pull over 100,000 times its body weight.
- What kind of flu is the most racist?
Russian flu. It was named Russian flu because it came about during the cold war, and did not originate anywhere even close to Russia. It’s basically like blaming cancer on the French.
- You’ve spotted the most beautiful blue eyes you’ve ever seen across a crowded bar. You’ve checked, and they definitely belong to a primate. What should you do before you go over there and try to boff them?
Check those eyes don’t belong to a Lemur. The only primate besides humans that can have blue eyes are a lemur.
- What did male scientists investigating “the breeding habits of university students” discover?
That male scientists more likely to be virgins than everyone else. They put this down to male scientists spending more time working, and time spent conducting studies into why everyone else but them was having sex.
- Why are men with high testosterone levels more likely to tell you you look fat in that new dress you’ve bought?
They tell the truth more, according to a medical study in 2012.
- Why is it so rare to see a buff shrimp?
Shrimp treadmills cost a thousand dollars. That’s not cheap. A study into shrimp had to construct a “fitness test” on shrimp by building it a workable underwater treadmill.
- What are the freemasons and chimpanzees trying to hide?
A secret handshake. A study found that chimpanzees pass a secret handshake down through the generations, just like freemasons. I also suspect they’re trying to hide their involvement in the Kennedy assassination, but so far no one has looked into this.
- Why are you more likely to get into a fight with a tiger whilst drunk?
Tigers cannot stand the smell of alcohol and are more likely to attack you if they can smell it on your breath.
- Who gets all the ladies despite their beard smelling of wee?
Goats, and Adrian Chiles. Goats urinate on their own beards to attract mates, who apparently find this a pleasant smell. It’s been rumoured Adrian Chiles does the same. By me. I started that rumour.
- Your house has been set alight. Why should you sing “fight fire with fire” at the fire?
If you sing it loud enough, the sound waves could put the flames out, physicists have shown. This is not the only song it would work with.
Economics and statistics
- How much are people willing to pay to get kidney stones?
8500 quid, if they’ve first passed through William Shatner. He auctioned off his kidney stones, and a star trek nerd bought them for this record amount.
- How do you lure someone into bed using only a graph?
We don't know, is the answer, but somehow economists are managing it. A study of students found that economics students are much more sexually active than any other kind of students.
- How might a cough accidentally wind up killing 1200 men?
There’s a rumour that Napoleon accidentally ordered his soldiers to kill all his prisoners when they misheard him say “my damn cough”. In French my damn cough is said “ma sacre toux” which sounds a lot like “kill them all” or “massacre toux”.
- It’s raining men. Where should I move to avoid this?
Out of the way of the flight path. Around 90 stowaways have fallen from planes since records began in 1947.
- You're in a shipwreck with someone from deed poll and only have 10 minutes to change your name. What would you rather be called? Richard Parker or Hugh Williams?
Hugh Williams. In 5 separate shipwrecks someone called Hugh Williams has been the only survivor, and in two separate incidents surviving crew of a shipwreck have decided to eat the cabin boy, both times called Richard Parker
- What's more romantic than presenting someone with a severed human head for valentines day?
Nothing is more romantic than giving someone a severed human head, if you are a Taiwanese aborigine before the 1930s. They used to give human heads as romantic gifts which I'm sure was very touching, but slightly more difficult to pick up in a petrol station than flowers if you've forgotten your anniversary.
- What is the correct answer to the question 'do you take this corpse to be your lawfully wedded wife?'
'Oui'. In France it is legal to marry a dead person, as long as you can prove they intended to marry you beforehand. But you might want to rethink the whole 'till death do us part' bit. Also the wedding night.
- If animals could talk, which one is most likely to use the phrase “I’d know that ass anywhere”?
Chimpanzees. A study that won the ignoble prize for Anatomy showed that Chimpanzees can identify other individual chimpanzees by looking at photos of their backside alone.
- If I was to offer to Marmalise you, what emotion should you feel?
Fear. Marmalise means thrash.
- If I told you I once diddled Tara Reid, what would that be?
It would be a ‘Taradiddle’ which means a ‘lie’.
- Who ovulates for tips?
Strippers. A study found that lap dancers earn a lot higher tips when they’re ovulating.
- What do scientists, princesses and the French have in common?
They’ve all been making out with frogs. A scientist studying where frogs get their poisons from has been licking frogs in order to find the poisonous ones. When she finds one, she sends the sample off to the lab or dies.
- What part of the U.S. constitution defends my right to get my man breasts out and dance around for your enjoyment?
It’s the first amendment. American law has classified stripping as 'free speech' which means it’s protected by the constitution. So next time an American defends their right to own a gun, why not reply with your genitals? After all, it's in the constitution...
- What’s the best way to cook pork in protest against police brutality?
Hold a protest barbeque. In Brazil it’s become a huge trend to hold “protest barbeques” where they cook sausages in protest against things like police brutality, or even cook kebabs in favour of gay marriage.
- Which of these is a real crime; angry driving, ambivalent skateboarding, furious cycling or agnostic rollerblading?
Furious cycling, and it carries a sentence of up to two years. Angry driving is not a specific offence.
- Name one illegal way to hide a bald patch.
The comb over. The comb over is patented and so if I gave myself a comb over without paying Frank J Smith his royalties, you’re illegally hiding your bald patch.
- You’ve killed a pensioner in Vaughn, New Mexico, but think you might be able to bribe your way out of this. What do you offer the chief of police?
Scooby snacks or some Bonio. Very briefly in Vaughn a dog was the only qualified police officer, after several police quit due to corruption and previous offences. For the month that took place before they could hire more officers Nikki the dog was technically chief of police.
- Why can’t members of the Nevada Legislature conduct business whilst dressed as Simon Cowell?
It’s illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct business whilst dressed as a penis.
- What should you say if a shop assistant in Newcastle asks you to have sex with them in the frozen meat section of the supermarket?
Wouldn’t you rather make love near the baked goods? In Newcastle, Wyoming, it is specifically illegal to have sex in a walk in meat freezer, but not specifically illegal to do it in any other section of the supermarket.
- Why is it not libelous for me to call Beyoncé a biting, bloodsucking disease-ridden pest?
Because she is one. I'm talking of course about the horsefly named after Beyoncé, the Beyoncé fly. Also named locally in Australia as the gold bum fly.
- Why is it ok to say that Piers Morgan is more of a disgusting pool of putrid bacteria than a human being?
Because that's what he is. In terms of cell count, allhuman bodies are all made up of 10 bacterial cells for every one human cell, so we are all more bacteria than human.
But I'm being unfair. Most the bacteria in the human body is actually quite useful, which is more than can be said of Piers Morgan.
- What do ball divers, armpit sniffers and vomit collectors have in common?
They're all employed by the leisure industry. Ball divers collect golf balls from lakes, vomit collectors scoop puke at theme parks and armpit sniffers are sniffing to check that deodorants are effective.
- Why don’t you find actual dogs at Snoop Dogg gigs?
They prefer classical music, according to a study that somehow got funding despite being a study into “what music dogs prefer”.
- In 1973 what percentage of the internet’s images was porn?
100%. The first image ever uploaded to the internet, as a test, was of playboy centrefold Lena Soderberg. The same image is often used to test printing techniques due to its “mix of textures, shading and detail”
- Why couldn't you get good conversation out of the last speaker of the Ature language?
All he wanted to talk about was bird crap. The last speaker of the Ature language was a parrot.
- Why shouldn’t you hold a conversation with a herring in a lift?
They only communicate in farts. A study showed that herring use gas to communicate, helping them form shoals.
- Who should I serve a chicken and testicle salad to?
The Aztecs. The word “avocado” comes from the ancient Aztec word for “testicle”. Mmm, chicken and testicle salad.
- What’s more tragic than a goat attempting to sing the song “tragedy”?
Nothing. The word tragedy comes from the ancient greek for “goat song”
- When is a wee in the bed a romantic gesture?
When you present one to your sweetheart. The French for dandelion is pissenlit, which literally means 'wee the bed'.
- Two men are up for promotion, Joe Farquharson and Malcolm Testicle. Who do I promote and why?
Malcolm Testicle, because his name is easier to say. A study by Melbourne University has shown that people in authority positions resent people with difficult names to pronounce, and tend to promote people with shorter names, no matter how ludicrous.
- If I grab a gun start waving it around at a family reunion, what are elderly relatives likely to say to me?
'You've grown'. A study at UCLA found that people perceive men as taller if they're holding a gun.
- A waitress comes over to take your order. She's pretty. Why should I immediately warn others about economic Armageddon?
One bizarre sign that the economy is about to collapse is that waitresses get prettier, as more pretty people are forced to take lower paid waitressing jobs, and are hired by the kind of perverts who run cafes.
- What did a Texan study into studies that are conducted by Texas conclude?
That Texas produces too many studies.
- How might shoving bread up your nostrils improve your social standing?
The smell of bread makes you nicer to strangers, according to a study where they wafted the smell of bread at people and then got strangers to ask for help with some bags. Of course if someone helps you and they've got baguettes shoved up the nose, you won't be able to tell whether they're genuinely nice or just huffed up on bread.
- Why do I love my own face more and more every day?
It’s on my wife.
A study has shown that couples look more and more like each other over time because they copy each other’s facial expressions and their facial muscles develop in the same way.
- Which ruthless Israeli sniper gives out the best sex advice?
Dr Ruth, a psychologist on American TV, is a former Israeli Sniper.
- Where might I not go into work if I’m feeling a little gay that day?
Sweden. In 1979, in protest against homosexuality being classed as an illness in Sweden, the Swedes held a mass protest, phoning in work and telling their bosses they couldn’t come in because they “felt a little gay” that day.
- What’s the cash value of one bag of dog excrement?
About £1,400. Taiwan had a cash for cack scheme to encourage dog owners to pick up their mess. They'd give out prizes and the largest was £1,400. The prizes were given randomly, not by quality of the specimen.
- Why doesn’t postman pat’s black and white cat get of his arse and help deliver the mail?
They tried in Belgium and it didn’t work. There was a scheme in 1800 to get cats to deliver the mail. They found out cats are basically uninterested in delivering mail, the same way you rarely find postmen playing with string or going toilet in your front garden.
- Why wouldn’t you rob a guy who’s talking to some fruit?
He’s tricked you. James Rickard in the US has invented an anti mugging cover for your phone that looks like a banana. The theory is that muggers will see it and think “this guy doesn’t have a phone, he’s just chatting to his banana”.
- Who sings so badly that she doesn't deserve kidneys?
A lady on a horrendous reality TV show called “singing for a dream” in South America. On the show people sing in order to get something they desperately need. Jorgelina Mansilla sang badly, and so was not given the kidney transplant she was on there to win.
- Which member of the royal family are you most likely to find in a horsebox? For a bonus point, what the hell are they doing in there?
Prince Philip and he's napping. He had a caravan firm fit his horsebox with a bed so he could sleep if he felt tired or wanted to know what it felt like to be a horse at night. Of course, he could have just asked Camilla.
For more bizarre facts, check out our articles in the uni life pages, they're full of them.