51 New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Stop trying to improve yourself. New Years resolutions should be achievable.
Think of a random number between 1 and 51 and go to it. That is now your New Years resolution.
- Strictly no murdering in 2015. Not even a little bit. None of this "well, at least I made it till February". No. Stop it.
- Eat less fruit and veg. It's carbs and meat only from here on out.
- Maintain current smoking and drinking levels, unless they change. No quitting, that's hard. Just keep to the same levels you're currently at. Unless that changes. Always leave that clause there.
- Develop a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch. I can't see it myself, but everyone seems into him. Time to get on that bandwagon.
- Go to the gym less.
- Try not to bang Matthew Broderick. Not even a little bit.
Ok, just once. - See if you've got natural intelligence, by ceasing to study.
- Try to use the word YOLO in a sentence, but only once.
- Gain 40 pounds.
- Age. See if you can try ageing a whole year, but don't push yourself.
- Brush your teeth at least once a month. At least.
- Watch more videos of pugs climbing stairs
- Take the lift instead of stairs. Fuck stairs.
- Do one terrible misdeed every day. These can be simple things, like crumbling your toast into a housemate's butter, or not holding a door open for a pregnant woman.
- Read a newspaper headline every day. Repeat it to a friend, to appear informed.
- Be more wasteful with money.
- If you're a runner, try running a little less far each time you run. By the end of the year you should barely be leaving the house.
- Writing a good novel is hard work. Write a terrible novel. Still too hard? Write a pamphlet filled with far-right propaganda.
- Campaign for social injustice.
- Oxfam have enough goats. Donate a goat to cancer, or diabetes.
- Everybody says "do one thing a month that scares you" like that's a good thing. Go one further. Try doing one thing a day that makes you soil yourself.
- Learn a new word every day, and misuse it in a sentence.
- Make promises you can't keep.
- Attempt surgery on a friend or relative. It's good that you tried.
- Make New Years resolutions you can't keep.
- People often resolve to say "please" and "thank you" more. These people lack basic manners. You should resolve to replace the phrases "please" and "thank you" with "when you've got a f***ing moment" and "about f***ing time* when talking to them.
- Give someone a compliment everyday, but be insincere. Compliment something no-one could possibly admire. Tell a friend you really admire the way they use their eyebrows expressively, or the quantity of milk they use on their cereal.
- Instead of getting the career of your dreams or working towards it in any way, just print off some business cards filled with false information. Start telling everyone you're a senior gynaecologist.
- Build up a tolerance to salt or other mild poisons, by using an ever increasing amount every day. Next year's resolutions can deal with the health implications.
- Don't show up to court drunk. Much easier than vowing not to go into your lectures hungover.
- Send more drunken texts. Sit in a room with nothing but you, a bottle of whiskey and an old school phone that only has the ability to text and your exes numbers. See what happens, and deal with the mess.
- Become more self-involved. Take hundreds of selfies at events that aren't about you (e.g. funerals) or ask the birthday girl for a photo and give her a weird look when she tries to get in the frame.
- Use the phrase "the madness ends here!" at least once
- Eat a bowl of Wheetos. Aim high this year.
- Successfully pull off a wink, just once this year.
So close. - Wake up every day before 5pm. No more lazy mornings.
- See how long your nails can grow in a year.
- Watch more cat videos.
- Spend more time on the internet, googling "animals that think they're people."
- Learn to juggle with two balls.
- No more stalking Richard Osmand from Pointless.
- Make better terrible decisions.
- Replace chain smoking with chain eating roast dinners. Start taking "roast breaks".
- Instead of apples eat eggs.
- Become an unlicensed orthodontist.
- Be unsuccessful at something you really want to do.
- Feel more intelligent by hanging out with 10 year olds, or fans of The Big Bang Theory.
- Replace your addictions with more deadly addictions. Feel you're drinking alcohol too much? Switch to snake venom.
- Live every day like it was Peter Andre's last.
- Do tomorrow what you could do the day after tomorrow.
- Enjoy the wooshing sounds deadlines make as they go by.
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