50 Things You Should Never Do Or Say During Sex

1) "You're good at this. You should do this professionally."

2) “I’ve got an early seminar, do you mind finishing up here?”

3) "You know the gonorrhoea bacteria can pull over 100 times its own body weight?"

4) Refer to sex using bizarre tenses: “I can’t wait to have sex at you” or “This is such great sex I’m having sex on you”

5) "You have a great body, speaking as a taxidermist."

6) Repeatedly request high fives

7 ) Repeatedly request high fives, low fives and “too slow” fives.

high five

8) Do your sexy talk entirely in binary:

rude binary

9) "You don’t mind if I put the radio on do you? I’m just really into women’s hour."

10) "I see someone isn’t a natural blonde."

11) At the end: “ah, thank Christ.”

12) "Would you mind increasing your volume? My housemate is a listener."

13) "This feels so much better than with whatever that was I’ve been keeping in the fridge."

14) Scream your own name. Even if it’s going great.

15) Scream the name of a pet

16) Scream like you've just seen a serial killer.

17) “Siri, look up sexual technique, please”

18) “Siri, Google ‘can you get gonorrhea more than once’, please”
“Googling ‘can you get gonorrhea more than once’.”

Pause whilst you look.

“Siri, conference call all my contacts, please”

19) “Siri, Google ‘medium to hardcore pornography, please”

20) Quote Ted Bundy, or any other serial killer.

21) Quote John Lennon’s famous “I’m bigger than Jesus” quote.

22) Narrate in the style of David Attenborough doing a nature documentary over your lovemaking.

22) Critique.

23) “Honestly, I thought there’d be a better turnout for this.”

24) Recite biblical laws in ever increasing intensity: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours ox, thou shalt not cover thy neighbour’s ox, thou SHALT not cover thy neighbours ox!”

25) “You know, I really thought this would be more of a team effort.”

26) “Time for the sprint finish”.

27) Shout “Fornication!” in a celebratory tone without warning.

28) Stay silent the entire time, except at the end when you politely say “cheers”.

29) Start a stopwatch, and then plot the time on a graph. Announce the time at the end and say “there’s room for improvement”.

30) Refer to them as a “participant”.

31) Say the sentence “you must be this tall to ride”.

32) Try to use the word consent in a sexy way. “Would you consent to me stroking you like this?”

33) Get written consent. Verbal consent is obviously a must. Contractual consent kills the mood, unless you’re into that sort of thing.

34) Talk in coded spy messages “the red fox sleeps lightly when the winter is long”.

35) "Oh you're [INSERT NAME HERE]. I was trying to bang [INSERT NAME OF SISTER HERE]".

36) "I don't want to brag, but technically speaking this isn't my first time."

37) "No offence, but I'm mainly doing this for warmth"

38) "Steady as she goes".

39) "Is it weird that we’re long-lost cousins?"

40) “Either this is the 70’s or you’re some kind of 'furry'”

41) “Why are you offended? I said that it was cute. Fine, adorable even”

42) "Isn’t it weird that this is also where pee comes from?"

43) "I don't want to lay blame here, but this isn't going very well and I'm pulling my weight."

44) "I can't say it was great, but I appreciate the effort. Well done, buddy".

45) "You ever seen those documentaries about how preying mantises kill and eat their lover after coitus? Why? Oh, no reason."

46) Whilst taking of your shoes beforehand: "I hope you know this counts as foreplay".

47) "You ever seen 'The Human Centipede'? Why? Oh, no reason".

48) "Do you mind not grunting like that? It's just I used to work in an abattoir and I'm getting flashbacks."

49) Do a cruel impersonation of their sex face.

50) Do a cruel impersonation of their sexual technique.

For more like this, check out 101 Annoying things uni housemates do or 43 sentences guaranteed to start arguments...