5 reasons you should actually try to catch freshers flu
People with fresher’s flu are like Jim Davidson: If you make out with one, it’s going to make you sick.
But if you’re starting to come down with it, or are mulling over whether or not to make-out with someone who’s been coughing sexily in your direction, here are a few upsides to contracting the horrendous disease.
1. It’ll get you out of initiations…
If you’ve got fresher’s flu before initiations you’re extremely lucky, as there are much worse ways to catch it. Sports initiations, it turns out, are largely just a way to exchange fluids with your future team-mates.
In October this year, for instance, students initiated into the University of Exeter football club were forced to kiss a conga eel and drink out of their shoes.
An organiser of the event told student newspaper Exeposé, in the style of a mafia boss who’s just had a long conversation with his lawyer:
'We didn't make first years do anything that they didn't want to do. They were never forced to drink or kiss an eel, I showed them an eel called Colin and some asked if they could kiss him whilst others followed suit.'
Being pimped out to the corpse of a fish is actually fairly tame compared to other initiations. In past years people have been known to dress up as Nazis and eat cat food, crawl around in a gimp costume and neck soy sauce until they needed medical attention.
So if you want to join a team but avoid singing songs so offensive they make the national papers, now may be the best time to become bed-bound with fresher’s flu.
2. It feels marginally better than a hangover
There comes a time in your first year where you feel both partied out and obliged to keep on partying.
By now late nights and early hangovers are probably taking their toll. 47% of students admit to turning up to lectures still drunk. 50% have missed lectures because of hangovers.
First year can be tough on your vital organs. Having flu might actually be a nice break for your body, and give it time to recover. It also might give you a smug feeling of satisfaction: For once you’re ill and it’s not your fault.
3. The sicker you are, the healthier your bank balance
It's hard to spend money whilst bedbound, you'd have an easier time making it. (Note: the above link will not explain the complex steps involved in becoming a prostitute).
You might not be like the 29% of students who drink 2-3 times a week, or the 26% who spend £21-30 when you do, but you'll soon find a few weeks off drinking will quite quickly take away your fear of looking at your remaining balance.
If you have flu, try to think of all the money you're saving and how you can treat yourself. And if you really need a drink replacement, may I recommend necking pint after pint of healthy Danone yoghurts instead?
4. Freshers can catch much worse diseases than flu
If you have to catch one illness during your first year, and you do, there are much worse ones that freshers are known for. Known as “fresher’s regret” or simply “genital flu”, a quarter of all students catch an STI during their first year at uni.
Fun fact: If you catch the clap more than once it is known as “Genital Applause”
Whilst it's not a clear choice between STIs and fresher's flu, what better contraceptive is there than being so ill you look and sound repulsive?
5. It's a rite of passage
Everyone gets fresher's flu, except this guy:
He can crush germs with his pecks, and all his white blood cells have their own biceps.
Like doing essays at 3.a.m. and crying in front of a cash machine, fresher’s flu is just something you’ll have to go through in your first year, so why not get it out of the way early? Lick all the spoons in the kitchen, ask that girl you like to sneeze on you or kiss that communal fish, then take a cheap train home and be waited on hand and foot until you recover.
Tired of fresher’s flu already? Here are 13 ways to cure it.