5 Horribly Depressing Christmas Stories
There are plenty of depressing news stories out there. Here are five that involve Santa going on crime sprees and real life Grinches stealing Christmas.
1) Obese man sits on a nativity donkey, donkey dies
In 0BC a heavily pregnant Mary rode into Bethlehem on a donkey. "Jesus Christ", she probably exclaimed "I hope this donkey can cope with the weight". We don't hear much more about the donkey in the bible, it's not really his story (for more of that see the Holy Book of Donkey Tales) but we like to imagine it lived a long and happy life.
2,014 years later an obese man posed on top of a nativity donkey (probably all the time exclaiming "look at me, Ma, I'm like the Virgin Mary") and two days after that the donkey died due to internal injuries.
Pictured here smiling callously as he commits donkeycide.
I don't want to hold Mary responsible, particularly at Christmas, but could the bible not have put in a little "do not try this at home" disclaimer?
This story made me horribly sad. Happy Christmas.
2) Santa keeps getting arrested
Santa has been arrested twice this year and he hasn't even broke and entered into anyone's house yet.
First he was piled into the back of a police van in Wales, to the sounds of crying children.
Jade Hughes, from Maerdy told Wales Online: "My four-year-old cousin started crying saying, 'Santa can’t bring me toys now'.”
That's sad to see. Four year olds are too young to learn the phrase "fuck the police."
Then he was talked down by police and arrested after riding backsies on a statue horse being ridden by the Duke of Wellington with a traffic cone over his face.
Admittedly disappointing photo via Metro.co.uk
That's just sad behaviour to witness from Santa. He has a team of flying reindeer so the man doesn't have transport issues.
In fact there are whole playlists on Youtube dedicated to documenting Santa's crime sprees, admittedly created by me:
The guy's a one-man crime wave.
He's nothing like the Easter Bunny, who is on the side of the police. In Palm Beach, Florida, the police launched a sting operation in which they dressed an officer up as a bunny and had the bunny arrest drivers who weren't wearing their seat belts.
Seriously, buckle up. I'm the motherf*****ng police. Buckle up or I will pepper spray you.
Somewhere out there, there's a kid who first learned that the Easter Bunny doesn't exist when it took off its own head and announced "your daddy is going to jail."
3) Santa died
Yep. First Santa doesn't exist, then he exists and is addicted to crime and now he's dead. Sad times. The Santa Claus from the Coca Cola adverts sadly died in October this year. Sad times.
4) BBC release depressing Christmas album, including songs about Christmassy suicides
The BBC, as well as their usual depressing Eastenders Christmas Special, have released a depressing alternative Christmas album.
It features a song titled "Slashed Wrists This Christmas".
The song includes the lyrics "I walked you to the infirmary, the cuts were deep so they sent you to sleep. It was 1987, you had just been diagnosed with manic depression. You said, 'Next time I do it, I’m gonna do it well'. I just told you to go to hell." MEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
5) Man steals Christmas, doesn't even dress up as the grinch
Police are tracking a thief who stole a Christmas tree from the foyer of a block of flats in Paisley.
I'm sure it's lovely on the inside, but from the outside it looks like this place needs a goddamn Christmas Tree.
The man, who didn't even make the effort to dress up as the Grinch, took the tree from the foyer and left a trail of decorations as he left the crime scene, all the way to his flat door. Not exactly a masterclass in crime.
Police are hunting the suspect, who it's believed speaks entirely in rhyme.