43 sentences guaranteed to start arguments with uni folk

Arguments with uni folk are unavoidable, especially if they use any of these sentences. Try to avoid these, and people who use them, unless you're actively looking for a blazing row:

To someone enjoying a drink with their meal:

1) "How many is that?" (Whatever the reply they look concerned and add a mark to a 'tally')

2) "You know we all talk about your drinking, right?"

To someone emerging from their room in the morning:

3) "We all know what you’re doing in there, and we think it’s disgusting."

To the cleaning freak:

4) "Anyone else here piss in the sink?" (said in conversational tone) "They're at crotch height for a reason, you know."

5) "Pro tip: if you spill something down the sofa, smear more over it until it looks like a pattern."

6) They refer to your towel in the bathroom as “the communal towel”

7) Whilst shutting the door or binning their own crisp packet they scream,
"Why am I the only one here that does any cleaning?!
You people live in your own filth."

8) "Everyone shaves on the toilet, right?"

To former hallmates:

9) (WHISPERED INTENSELY) "I know it was you who did the poo in the shower back in Halls."

To film students:

10) "I watched Freddy got Fingered twice, where’s my degree?"

To Vegetarians:

11) "Animal abuses makes me angry. Unfortunately it makes me so angry I could punch a cat in the face, or force a small dog through a shredder."

12) “Can you eat chicken? Fish? Sausages? Chicken Sausages??”

To someone who leaves their room door open:

13) "I couldn't help but notice it looks like a kinky Narnia in your wardrobe."

To someone returning to an unguarded laptop:

14) "Interesting search history."

To English students:

15) "The Muppet’s Christmas Carol is the definitive version of A Christmas Carol"

16) "Shakespeare's overrated. Have you read any Dan Brown? Now there's a writer."

To maths students:

17) "I’ll just go ahead and assume your nickname at school was Frodo?"

18) "Go on then, what's your favourite number?"

19) "So are you really good at multiplication then...?"

20) "You know you're gonna be replaced by a calculator, right? They can do everything you can do, and spell the word 'boobs'."

To left-wing politics students:

21) "Everyone secretly thinks Nigel Farage has a point, you just love Thatcher too much to admit it"

To Psychologists:

22) "Didn’t you fancy a real science?"

To northerners:

23) "Everyone from the north is a miner."

To a Scottish friend:

24) "So what’s heroin like?"

To Gender Studies students:

25) "Feminism. That’s just patriarchy with tits, right?"

To someone emerging from the toilet:

26) They stand outside with a stopwatch and announce how long you took. They tell you there's "room for improvement" and they'll add the time to a database they're building.

To anyone getting ready for a night out:

27) "That outfit would look better on someone thin."

To people who volunteer:

28) The only reason people buy anything from a charity shop is because they need an excuse for why they suddenly have gonorrhoea.

To Maths students:

29) "Statistically speaking, Maths students are more likely to be virgins than any other students."
(Maths students do not like the use of statistics, and will be the only part of the sentence they object to)

To Sociologists:

30) "Have you heard Tescos are looking for graduates?" (Oh so much worse if they've cut out a job advert to show you)

31) "Couldn’t you get on a real degree?"

To people doing essays:

32) "Don’t lie; you’re just napping in there."

33) "If you started early like I do you wouldn't be in this mess."

To people who don't like swearing, and use the phrase “powder my nose” instead of “going to the toilet”:

34) “I need to powder my nose. I need to powder my nose so badly that if I don’t powder my nose soon, I’m going to shit and piss all over myself.”

To a history student:


To religious housemates:

36) "Merry Pissmass!" (said at Christmas, repeatedly and during carols)

37) "Did you know there’s a maths equation that proves God doesn’t exist." (Refuse to back this up. If they insist you back this up, repeat the phrase “Google it”)

To atheists:

38) "Well, God believes in Richard Dawkins."

To atheists and biologists:

39) "If intelligent design doesn’t exist, how do you explain cats that walk around like people?"

To foreign language students:

40) "Why do you need to learn [INSERT NAME OF LANGUAGE HERE], they all speak English."

To arts students:

41) "Admit it: Reading week is a holiday."

To health freaks:

42) They tell you about a diet they read about, and that they've lost loads of weight on it. When you ask where they read it, they say "some obituary" and refuse to listen to why the diet is a bad idea.

To housemates washing up:

43) Putting a their dirty plate in your washing up bowl and leaving the room saying "thanks in advance".

To a housemate during sex:

44) "You're good at this. You should do this professionally."

9 sentences that escalate the situation:

1) "You always say this."

2) "I think maybe if you actually thought it through you’d agree with me."

3) "Jeez, calm down! Let me see that pretty smile."

4) Repeating the phrase “Google it” with hands raised in the air, like it’s the Internet and fact you should be arguing with.

5) "I don’t know how to argue with you if you refuse to listen to fact."

6) "I don’t know why you think anyone would listen to you about this."

7) "You started this."

8) After every point you make, “You’re lucky you’re pretty”.

9) Repeating "That's what you think".

For more funny tips on student life see 41 ridiculous life hacks...

For more common uni arguments see 9 things every student house argues about...