12 Ridiculous and Terrible Christmas Gift Ideas
It's easy to get the wrong gift by accident. Here's how to do it on purpose, using real products and terrible ideas.
Invite your family to crap in Santa's mouth
Nothing says Christmas like taking a festive dump into a toilet with Santa's face on it. Encourage your family to do this by buying this horrendous product.
Send love and other feelings
Sending love is outdated. Send other feelings. Send ambivalence, or existential angst. For the feelings connoisseur, send regret tinged with lust.
If you're struggling to remember what feelings there are, here's a list you cold-hearted robot
Coupons for hugs are for prostitutes. Coupons for attention are more your style. Give out free coupons to your parents, worth two minutes of attention per coupon. Proceed to ignore them until they cough up their precious coupons. This will ease them into the idea that your attention will cost them money now, and you will be billing them for it in the new year.
A paternity test, for your father(?)
Are you my real dad? Find out, with this £13 from Lowest Priced Tests.
The kit includes 6 swabs, in case you have a wide array of potential dads, and a reply envelope. They recommend you send the samples off by special delivery, presumably so your DNA doesn't get stolen in the post. An additional £99 lab fee is required for DNA testing, which is how they get you.
The 4 day waiting time might cause a bit of a tense holiday period, so it might be worth saving for Fathers Day, with this complementary t-shirt.
Convert to another religion
Convert just before Christmas, and say you can't get them gifts because you're too devout. If they question this, take a vow of silence.
Convert your cat into a unicorn
These babies pretty much sell themselves.
Before the invention of the unicorn horn for cats you had to convince nephews that unicorns existed by strapping a branch to a horse. Or some corn to a eunuch. No more, thanks to the inflatable unicorn horn for cats!
Ok, it doesn't look too great here, but picture this cat against the mist.
Majestic. Get one now for your cat.
Send a crappy gift, literally
Secret Santa gifts are generally shit, metaphorically speaking. Now they can literally be. You can send actual faeces to people anonymously through shitsenders.com. That link will take you to their FAQ page, which explains their business model. (Pretty simple, they crap in a box then send it to an address of your choosing.)
Bizarrely at no point on their frequently asked questions is the question "what the hell is wrong with you people?". Instead people have asked "can I buy in bulk" and "can I send a custom message in the shit", even though the shit itself sends a pretty clear message.
The answer to the last question is "no, for legal reasons we do not allow customer created notes to be sent in the packages. It will contain a business card." which kind of makes sense. I'd imagine people who have been sent faeces have a pretty big motive for sending some themselves.
Here's a testimonial, taken at random from their site:
"Not only was your shit some of the finest shit ever sent in the mail, but your placement of the "wanna find out who sent this" card within the shit forces the shited on to actually sift through the shit only to find out that you'll never tell them who sent them the shit. I just finally heard back from the shited on friend and I almost shited myself when I heard he dug through the shit to find out who sent him the shit." Stan - Chicago, IL
Convinced? Damn right you're convinced.
Send a hugs and other forms of physical contact
Sending a hug when you're poor is acceptable, but what about those family members you don't feel close enough to hug? Send a firm but brief handshake, or a friendly nod to your distant father.
"Merry Christmas, dad." - "You're my least favourite son".
From the makers of snapchat: snapgift. Show a housemate a present then when they've figured out what they're looking at, snatch it out of their greedy hands. It's gone now. It's not theirs. It's time they accept this is how the world works now.
Everyone appreciates a handmade gift. Make your own iPad.
The gift of your company
Wrap yourself up in wrapping paper and lie in wait under the tree. After they've unwrapped you, announce that you're giving them the gift of your company, then sit down and smoke a cigarette.
Donate a goat to the wrong charity
Everyone donates a goat to Oxfam. They're expecting it, and it's no longer a nice surprise. You should send your goat to the Cancer Trust, or the British Heart Foundation.
Imagine the happy shock on their faces at Diabetes UK when they get their goat.
You're welcome, Diabetes UK.
Getting ready for Christmas? Check out our handy guide to the last order dates before Christmas...