If we had it our way the unwritten train rules would be boldly written on the front page of the Metro or the London Evening Standard, every day until people get the point. That's clearly not going to happen until all world news stops. In the mean time we'll leave them here and hope you spread them around.

10) Stand on the right on escalators

Unless you're spiderman.

Consistent standing on the left will result in the use of physical force, your eventual demise or the most severe punishment of all: Heavy tutting. The police will be on the side of the assailant.

9) Anything that doesn’t have an ass does not need a seat

This ladies feet do not have their own asses.

Your bag does not need a seat. Your umbrella does not need a seat. These are all things that can either stand or go in the overhead luggage.

Your assless friends are technically luggage:

8) Don’t watch anything that might contain nudity and/or spoilers

There are other people on the train, so you shouldn't watch anything that might contain nudity, moderate to heavy petting or spoilers. Game of Thrones, basically. What we mean is please stop watching Game of Thrones on the train, and spoiling it for everyone else.

7) Keep your headphones in

But feel free to dance...

But if you do dance, be prepared for an early exit:

6) Move inside the train, there’s room for more

There's always room for more.

5) Don't look directly at anyone, not even the weirdos

Even if they look like this, you pretend not to notice:

4) Quiet coach means no breathing

Answer the man.

3) Talking to strangers on trains is permitted only in extreme circumstances

And even then, this should not be your opening line.

2) Try not to stand out

If the train is packed, it’s ok to crash first class

1) Only use your phone to take photos of sleeping people

When you're on a train, the only legitimate use for a phone is for pretending to be texting so that you don't have to talk to somebody, and for taking photographs of people whilst they perfect their train sleep. In an absolute emergency (e.g. your boyfriend "wants to talk" and might break up with you) you are allowed to talk, but in a tense quiet tone and every sentence must include the words "going through a tunnel" shortly before hanging up and then blaming that "tunnel".