13 hilarious ways to nail your interview
If you’re looking for a graduate job Milkround is the place to go. When you get your interview, here's how you get the job.
13) Keep on your toes
"Nice try, Jobbo. Trying to trick me into admitting I have feelings? Is this a goddamn Turing test??"
12) Use the interviewer's name
"Hi. Jobbo Jobson, I presume?"
11) Trying to come off really, really important
"Hello business? Yes, it's CEO here. No, I can talk. I'm in an interview with some dipshit, but he can wait."
10) Be honest
"What? I answered the question, and now you OWE me the job. Phone your wife and tell her I got the job and am available."
9) Do your research
"2009, red bikini. Bravo. Top notch stuff. Company seems ok - you do computers I hear?"
8) Being confident
"What is your evacuation procedure? Because I am on FIRE! Seriously! Why aren't any of you helping me??? Stop smiling and phone a f**king ambulance!
It's incredibly important you lie in an interview. If they find out what you're really like you won't get the job. Over the next fourteen years, your job is then to slowly reveal how incompetent you truly are to your colleagues.
6) Make eye contact
Can't stress enough the importance of making your eyes work independently. How else are they going to trust you?
5) If they ask you to describe a personal story, describe someone else's story for god's sake
They are trying to trick you into telling a story about a time you gave your whole football team laxatives, in order to make yourself look good. Don't do this. Describe the plot of Guaridans of the Galaxy from the point of view of the racoon and the job is yours. Tell the story of the time your whole football team shat themselves will get you escorted off by security.
4) Show drive
Winks are your friend. Use as often as possible.
3) Plan ahead
Title the album "want to get into my bedsheets? You'd better be into spreadsheets."
2) Fill all silences
Silence is the enemy. If you leave even a half second gap, research shows that you haven't got the job. Break this silence now. Fart if you have to.
1) Be concise
"Warg. SHPLAAAAAA. YPARG."
"£30,000. Start Monday."
This article was sponsored by Milkround, the UK's most widely used student and graduate job website.