5 hilariously solvable things all housemates argue about

Arguments with housemates are unavoidable. Especially when you live with jerks and/or you are a jerk. Here are the most common housemate arguments, and how hilariously easy they are to solve.

5) The temperature

For some reason the guy who's sat there in three jumpers and a coat is always the guy who insists its "too warm in here" and turns the heating off without asking anybody. Or else he's sat there in a banana hammock and insisting you turn the heating on full blast "because it's extremely cold in here, Daniel, as you can plainly see..."

How to solve it

House imposed dress code. If you're someone who feels the cold, you have to dress like a sherpa on an Everest trek.

4) How clean the house is

Everyone has their own definition of "clean". Unfortunately, this can vary from "what the house would look like if we let an Monica Gellar loose with industrial cleaning products on the house for a week" to "we moved our crack pipes to the corner of our crack den."

How to solve it

If you're messy, try to hide your dirt in your room. Keep the door closed, and your shame out of view. Your kitchen space will look clean (if a little empty) and no-one will know you've been keeping half a tin of beans in your room since 2013.

3) Food theft

Sober, housemates will respect generally respect everyone's property. They won't devour pasta that isn't theirs. But drunk people are hungry and don't realise that everything in the damn kitchen isn't theirs by birthright, apparently, because that's when food tends to get missing. Three glasses of wine and suddenly even Mother Teresa would become the Hamburglar.

How to solve it

Buy food you hate, so that not even you would like to eat it. No-one has ever said in the entire history of mankind "I know I really shouldn't, but that bag of quinoa looks so delicious right now I'm going to have to steal some."

2) Toilet access

Some people like to take a shower, get the hell out of there and change in their room. They'd gladly run from the shower (completely billy bollocks) to their room and get changed there, rather than spend another moment in the cold bathroom.

Then there are people who like to languish in there for hours at a time, showering until the bath is filled and then take a bath. Or else they're just sitting in the bathroom because they "like the steam" and have been creating their own (toilety) sauna. In the mean time you're outside, trying desperately not to soil yourself, or have to head to uni without having showered.

How to solve it

Go toilet outside like a dog. Lick yourself clean like a cat.

1) Who gets the biggest room

In an ideal world, all rooms would be of equal size (also, everyone would be communist) and so everyone would get to be in the biggest room. But most houses seem to have one room that was made for a king, and one room which is a converted boiler room, only suitable for people who want to re-enact the Harry Potter under the stairs sequences.

The biggest room tends to go on a first-come, first-serve basis in student houses. Whoever gets to the house first on moving day throws their crap into the biggest room they see and boom - that room is now theirs.

How to solve it

Secretly resent the person with the biggest room for the rest of your life.


Like this? Check out the 16 commandments of the communal kitchen...

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