The 10 sex scenes in books that'll instantly turn you celibate

Morrissey has gone and written a novel, and it contains some of the worst sex scenes in literature history. In honour of that, here are some close runners up, as well as quotes from the infamous book as well. Get ready for bulbous salutations, rockets going off and people making the sign of Zorro in new and imaginative ways...

10) Ben Okri - The Age of Magic

“When his hand brushed her nipple it tripped a switch and she came alight. He touched her belly and his hand seemed to burn through her. He lavished on her body indirect touches and bitter-sweet sensations flooded her brain. She became aware of places in her that could only have been concealed there by a god with a sense of humour.

“Adrift on warm currents, no longer of this world, she became aware of him gliding into her. He loved her with gentleness and strength, stroking her neck, praising her face with his hands, till she was broken up and began a low rhythmic wail … The universe was in her and with each movement it unfolded to her. Somewhere in the night a stray rocket went off.”

9) Richard Flanagan - The Narrow Road to the Deep North

"He kissed the slight, rose-coloured trench that remained from her knicker elastic, running around her belly like the equator line circling the world. As they lost themselves in the circumnavigation of each other, there came from nearby shrill shrieks that ended in a deeper howl. Dorrigo looked up. A large dog stood at the top of the dune. Above blood-jagged drool, its slobbery mouth clutched a twitching fairy penguin."

8) Aniruddha Bahal - Bunker 13

"She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing."

- Only Clarkson could find this erotic.

7) Manil Suri - The City of Devi

"Surely supernovas explode that instant, somewhere, in some galaxy. The hut vanishes, and with it the sea and the sands – only Karun's body, locked with mine, remains. We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems, we dive through shoals of quarks and atomic nuclei. In celebration of our breakthrough fourth star, statisticians the world over rejoice."

6) Giles Coren - Winkler

"...and [she] lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air… and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything… she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.”

5) Norman Mailer - The Castle in the Forest

“Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips.”

4) David Guterson - Ed King

“She took him by the wrist and moved the base of his hand into her pubic hair until his middle fingertip settled on the no-man's-land between her 'front parlor' and 'back door' (those were the quaint, prudish terms of her girlhood), she got him on the node between neighbouring needs (both of which had been explored by johns who almost never tarried).”

- Front parlor is an incredibly posh and not entirely sexy way to refer to the female genitalia, for any aspiring novelists out there.

3) Rachel Johnson - Shire Hell

“I find myself gripping his ears and tugging at the locks curling over them, beside myself, and a strange animal noise escapes from me as the mounting, Wagnerian crescendo overtakes me. I really do hope at this point that all the Spodders are, as requested, attending the meeting about slug clearance or whatever it is.”

2) Rowan Somerville - The Shape of Her

“The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her open, stretched around him, the cleft of her body, it tore a climax out of him with a final lunge. Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”

- you know. Like a lepidopterist. A person who studies or collects butterflies and moths.

1) Morrissy - List of the Lost

- Salutations, friend.


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