16 commandments of the communal kitchen

If you want to get into communal kitchen heaven, you must obey these 16 communal kitchen commandments...

16) Thou shall not steal milk

You sayeth you will replace it, but to date thou hast not.

15) Thou shalt not put on Justin Bieber or other terrible music and dance around like though art in Flashdance

People are trying to cook.

14) Thou shalt not leave thy meat in thy drawer (and then go on holiday)

A friend of mine left his pork chops in a drawer and then went on holiday. When we all returned after Christmas, it didn't smell like Christmas. It smelled like someone had been killed. Thou shalt not do this. Thou art better than this.

13) Thou shalt wear trousers at all times in the communal kitchen

None of this. No one likes to eat sausages when they can see yours swinging away down there.

12) Thou shalt keep thy dirty plates in thy room

11) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's pasta

Thou have bought Tesco value pasta, thou shalt consume Tesco value pasta.

10) Thou shalt stack thy dishwasher a bit f*cking better than this

Thou art wasting precious water and precious Calgon tablets.

9) If thoust stack like this thou shalt be banished to thine own cupboard

8) Thou shalt not put explosive meals in thine communal f*cking microwave

7) Thou shalt not start cooking whilst I am clearly cooking

Too many cooks spoil my flipping pancakes.

6) Thou shalt not make weird food in thy communal kitchen

Food from anywhere in the world is fine. Just don't do weird stuff that's going to make me gag in my mouth, like eating bacon with ice-cream.

5) Thou shalt put thine sh*t into thine own cupboards after thou hast washed it

Thou hast sinned!

4) Thou shalt not use metal in my pans

Whoever shall scratch thine pans shall haveth food sticketh to thy pan forever more and shall eat nought but burnt bacon for all eternity.

3) Thou shalt not sneak a bowl into my washing up bowl whilst I wash up

Thou heardest me correctly. I see thine bowl. Thine novelty frog bowl. I knowst it belongeth to thou. Thou haveth awesome taste, but must removeth thy bowl immetiately.

2) Thou shalt not balance thy pasta in the top of a cupboard and then shut the door and let it spill onto the next person to open the cupboard

1) Thou shalt not kill

Ok this one's the same as the bible. Strictly no killing in the communal kitchen.


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