24 incredible life tips from (terrible) magazines
These life tips from magazines are life-changing. You'll never leave the house without a raw potato ever again.
24) Write things on a rock and give that rock to your friends
"Thanks... thanks... I'll keep this rock forever."
"Why has Darren given you a rock?"
"Shut up for Christ's sake and talk in soothing tones. I think Darren's flipped."
23) Iron your toast
"I brought the steam iron again. Guess we're having steamed bread for breakfast instead of delicious ironed toast."
22) Staple your hats to a wall
"But my head is cold :( "
21) Carry boiled eggs in your bag
"Today I was warm and I ate an egg. Today is a very good day for Chizzy."
20) Strap sanitary towels to your hips
"I look so curvy people really keep their distance!"
19) Carry a potato around in your bag
"You know Jane."
"Jane who never falls over?"
"Yeah. Why does she keep rubbing potatoes on her feet?"
"Don't ask. She gets angry when you ask about the potato."
18)Wear sanitary towels on your feet
"Where did you think of this?"
"Oh, it just came to me."
"You've been to prison, haven't you?"
"Yes. You learn a lot in prison."
17) Rub beetroot on your face
"You look great."
"But your face smells of beetroot."
16) Carry nuts around in your pocket to win that legal case you've been fighting
"Bob the lawyer knows shit all about employment law, but he keeps winning these lawsuits. Just what is his secret???"
15) Carve your name into a potato and carry it around till you lose weight
If hungry, try to avoid baking your name potato.
14) Stop typing on your Nokia 3310 with your fingers you MORON
WHAT do you think earbuds are FOR???
13) Think of your nipples as headlights
Try to think of your penis as hazard lights. Only for use in emergencies."
12) Put a chair in your bed, you drunk
"I'll just sleep on the floor, there's a f*cking chair on my bed for some reason."
11) Jam batteries into your armpits
"Now I never have to leave the f*cking sofa! Thanks, armpits!"
10) Put reminders on your pants
"Whenever I want to remember anything, I simply stare at my own crotch in a mirror."
9) Make a belt out of string
"Now my trousers stay up and my friends are concerned about my wellbeing!"
8) Make pilau rice breasts
"I like how your body feels. Tell me, is that basmati or pilau?"
7) Celebrate royal weddings with a budgie-drawn carriage
"I think we have all the evidence we need here. Get in the van, you're clearly a serial killer, Mrs Olley."
6) Put sanitary towels in your windows
"Why are there sanitary towels all around the windows?"
"This may sound crazy..."
"Yes, it does sound crazy."
"Very f*cking crazy indeed, in fact."
"We're draft free."
"I want a divorce."
5) Shred all your family photos
"Happy birthday Mum. Her's yer gift."
"Where are all our photographs, Jimmy?"
"I shredded them into a thousand pieces. They're now a puzzle. Happy f*cking birthday, Mum."
4) Jam flowers into your spare tennis ball tube - never buy a vase again
"Happy valentines day, you bitch."
"Is this a joke?"
"I think it's pretty clear from the flowers in the tube I want to break up."
3) Put glitter on your shoes, for f*cks sake
"Why is this month's shoe budget so high?"
"I bought new shoes."
"Why are you buying new shoes??? Put glitter on the old ones for f*ck's sake! New shoes? How decadent you are!"
2) Throw away your satnav
"Now I never arrive at my destination. Thanks, post-it notes."
1) Make use of your old VHS tapes, look like you live in a terrifying crack den run by a tarot card reader
"I had all these old cassettes. It seemed a shame not to turn my house into a crack den / tarot card reading area, and then hide behind it looking like the monster from the original Japanese version of The Ring."