10 ways to avoid getting murdered by housemates at uni
Getting murdered can really ruin your degree. Follow these tips for a murder-free time at uni.
10) Don't sleep with any housemates
Classic mistake. Sleeping with a housemate is a surefire way to get murdered. Sure it seems like a fun idea at the time, but you'll soon find that you aren't compatible and you now either have to spend the next year living with each other, or get murdered. Keep it in your pants.
9) Don't hog the oven
If you hog the science oven (microwave) or use all the hobs for your meals at key meal times, you will be next in line for a murdering.
8) Don't steal food
What are you, the Hamburglar? In real life the Hamburglar could maybe steal three Whoppers before he gets capped. Don't steal food from the communal fridge - people will get annoyed, and may end up spiking their own food with poison as a trap.
7) Try to avoid getting a nemesis
You may meet some people you don't like at uni. Just avoid them. Don't actively call them your enemy, or spend any time antagonising them.. Enemies are classic murderers.
If you already have a nemesis, avoid sentences like "so, we meet again" and "this ends here" which will escalate the situation.
6) Keep the place tidy
If you keep your stuff clean, and clean up your own mess in the communal areas you're much less likely to annoy your housemates. Plus, if you tidy your cutlery away, that's one less knife, fork and spoon to be used as a potential murder weapon.
5) Be quiet late at night
Too loud and your downstairs neighbour will murder you.
4) Don't get involved in house drama
If Joey breaks up with Ross, that's none of your business. Leave them to it, and NEVER choose a side. Or you could find yourself on the side that gets murdered.
3) Pay your bills on time
If it's not a crime of passion, murder is normally about money. Pay your bills on time, early even, to avoid giving anyone a financial motive. Whilst you're at it, make sure you don't tell anyone they're the main benificiary of your will if you die.
2) Don't hog the bathroom
32% of all murders take place in bathrooms. Ok, that's not true, but it sounds believable. No-one likes a bathroom hog, and tend to get angrier when they have a full bladder. Almost 87% of murders are committed by someone with a full bladder. Don't let one of them be you - limit yourself to shorter showers.
1) Make friends with scary Pete
Pete lives down the hall from you. You never see him leave or enter his room, but can hear him making noise in there and he must be eating somehow, right? This one time you saw someone go in there with him, and later that night you heard a thud, and then you didn't see the guy leave in the morning. What went on there? Was that the day you saw him take out a massive bin bag??
Make sure you make friends with him ASAP. If anyone is going to murder you, it's him. It's of paramount importance that you make friends with scary Pete.