9 conversations everyone has before they graduate

Here are the scripts of the conversations every final year student has at some point.

9) Graduation day

Dad: Look at you, all grown up!

You: Dad...

Dad: Graduating! From uni! So proud.

You: Dad... Dad...

Dad: Don't do this, Son.

You: I look like Harry Potter, Dad. Look at me.

Mum: No, son, don't ruin this.

*Draws wand*

You: Wingardium Leviosa.

Dad: For f*ck's sake, son you're a 21 year old man.

You: Take a photo of me posing with my wand.

Dad: Don't make me do this son.

You: Don't make me use the cruciatus curse, Father.

*Eyes go dark. Photo gets taken.*


Dad: Let's talk about when you're going to move out, son...

8) Have you started?

"Have you started your dissertation yet?"

"My dissertation?"

"Yeah."

"Have I started yet?"

"Yes. It's a very simple question. Your dissertation. Have you started it yet?"

*Tense pause*

"... Yeah, have you?"

"Yeah."

"But have you really though?"

"No I haven't."

"Oh thank Christ."

"I thought it was just me."

"Nope. Haven't even thought of a title."

"How long till we have to hand it in?"

"Two weeks."

*Horrified pause, then sound of denial kicking in*

"Plenty of time."

"Too much time, if anything."

"Let's leave it another week."

"Then we'll start."

"Two thousand words a day, that's nothing."

"Easy."

"Easy f*cking peasy."

7) What are you doing... afterwards...?

"What are you doing after you graduate?"

*Student two punches student one in the back of head*

"Right. Touchy subject. I understand."

6) Post-exam chatter

"What did you think of the exam?"

*Awkward pause, waiting for someone to offer first opinion*

"It was so h..."

"That was pretty easy, I thought."

*Pause*

"Oh, f*ck off."

"Well, I guess it was a little bit tricky... in places."

"No you've said it now. It was easy and I must be thick for thinking it's anything other than a piece of piss. Your words, not mine."

5) The "big" birthday

"I'm so old."

"How old are you?"

"21"

PAUSE

"Jesus Christ, you are old"

"I know."

"You're practically dead."

"I know."

"When's your first prostate exam due? Looked into coffins yet?"

"Not yet. You think I should?"

"Yes! You're 21."

"I am."

"Jesus Christ, you're so old."

4) Look at that one

"Look at that one"

"Which one?"

"Over there - that one. The little cute one."

"Oh my god it looks so little"

"Do you think it's lost?"

"Probably."

"We should help it."

"Definitely not."

"It might die if we don't help it."

"It needs to learn to survive on its own."

PAUSE

"Bloody first-years."

"Bloody first-years."

3) Outside

"What do you think life is like on the outside?"

"Outside of where?"

"Outside of here."

"The library?"

"Yeah."

"I... I don't remember."

*Breaks down in tears*

2) Out out

"Do you want to go out?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You know - out, have fun, do you want to go out?"

"I'm a third year. I want to do my essay, go to bed and cry myself to sleep so that I can get up in time for my 9am lecture. No, I do not want to go out."

"I just thought for one night we could act like first years."

"You f*cking idiot. Act like first years - what an absurd notion."

"Sorry, it was just a thought."

"We'd die if we still acted like that, you realise?"

1) Grades

"What do you think you're going to get?"

"I think I might have failed."

"Me too."

"What did you get last year?"

"A first."

"Me too."

"But I've definitely failed this year."

"Me too."

"God we suck."

"At least we can stay another year, if they don't kick us out."


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