51 New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Stop trying to improve yourself. New Years resolutions should be achievable.

Think of a random number between 1 and 51 and go to it. That is now your New Years resolution.

  1. Strictly no murdering in 2015. Not even a little bit. None of this "well, at least I made it till February". No. Stop it.
  2. Eat less fruit and veg. It's carbs and meat only from here on out.
  3. Maintain current smoking and drinking levels, unless they change. No quitting, that's hard. Just keep to the same levels you're currently at. Unless that changes. Always leave that clause there.
  4. Develop a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch. I can't see it myself, but everyone seems into him. Time to get on that bandwagon.
  5. Go to the gym less.
  6. Try not to bang Matthew Broderick. Not even a little bit.
    matthew broderick
    Ok, just once.
  7. See if you've got natural intelligence, by ceasing to study.
  8. Try to use the word YOLO in a sentence, but only once.
  9. Gain 40 pounds.
  10. Age. See if you can try ageing a whole year, but don't push yourself.
  11. Brush your teeth at least once a month. At least.
  12. Watch more videos of pugs climbing stairs
  13. Take the lift instead of stairs. Fuck stairs.
  14. Do one terrible misdeed every day. These can be simple things, like crumbling your toast into a housemate's butter, or not holding a door open for a pregnant woman.
  15. Read a newspaper headline every day. Repeat it to a friend, to appear informed.
  16. Be more wasteful with money.
  17. If you're a runner, try running a little less far each time you run. By the end of the year you should barely be leaving the house.
  18. Writing a good novel is hard work. Write a terrible novel. Still too hard? Write a pamphlet filled with far-right propaganda.
  19. Campaign for social injustice.
  20. Oxfam have enough goats. Donate a goat to cancer, or diabetes.
  21. Everybody says "do one thing a month that scares you" like that's a good thing. Go one further. Try doing one thing a day that makes you soil yourself.
  22. Learn a new word every day, and misuse it in a sentence.

    word misuse

  23. Make promises you can't keep.
  24. Attempt surgery on a friend or relative. It's good that you tried.
  25. Make New Years resolutions you can't keep.
  26. People often resolve to say "please" and "thank you" more. These people lack basic manners. You should resolve to replace the phrases "please" and "thank you" with "when you've got a f***ing moment" and "about f***ing time* when talking to them.
  27. Give someone a compliment everyday, but be insincere. Compliment something no-one could possibly admire. Tell a friend you really admire the way they use their eyebrows expressively, or the quantity of milk they use on their cereal.
  28. Instead of getting the career of your dreams or working towards it in any way, just print off some business cards filled with false information. Start telling everyone you're a senior gynaecologist.
  29. Build up a tolerance to salt or other mild poisons, by using an ever increasing amount every day. Next year's resolutions can deal with the health implications.
  30. Don't show up to court drunk. Much easier than vowing not to go into your lectures hungover.
  31. Send more drunken texts. Sit in a room with nothing but you, a bottle of whiskey and an old school phone that only has the ability to text and your exes numbers. See what happens, and deal with the mess.
  32. Become more self-involved. Take hundreds of selfies at events that aren't about you (e.g. funerals) or ask the birthday girl for a photo and give her a weird look when she tries to get in the frame.
  33. Use the phrase "the madness ends here!" at least once
  34. Eat a bowl of Wheetos. Aim high this year.
  35. Successfully pull off a wink, just once this year.

    So close.

  36. Wake up every day before 5pm. No more lazy mornings.
  37. See how long your nails can grow in a year.
  38. Watch more cat videos.
  39. Spend more time on the internet, googling "animals that think they're people."
  40. Learn to juggle with two balls.
  41. No more stalking Richard Osmand from Pointless.
  42. Make better terrible decisions.
  43. Replace chain smoking with chain eating roast dinners. Start taking "roast breaks".
  44. Instead of apples eat eggs.
  45. Become an unlicensed orthodontist.
  46. Be unsuccessful at something you really want to do.
  47. Feel more intelligent by hanging out with 10 year olds, or fans of The Big Bang Theory.
  48. Replace your addictions with more deadly addictions. Feel you're drinking alcohol too much? Switch to snake venom.
  49. Live every day like it was Peter Andre's last.
  50. Do tomorrow what you could do the day after tomorrow.
  51. Enjoy the wooshing sounds deadlines make as they go by.

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