111 Annoying Things Housemates Do

Housemates can be annoying. We've catalogued 111 things (real and ridiculous) that annoy us the most about them, though point 111 seems to be the crux of the matter. Tell us on Facebook if we've missed any. Here we go...


  1. Set a cleaning rota
  2. Neglect to include themselves on the cleaning rota they created
  3. Refuse to clean anything in the house except their precious, precious rota
  4. Ask you to deal with spiders
  5. Refuse to deal with spiders you’ve asked them to deal with
  6. Team up with the spiders to have you evicted
  7. Offer you cash in return for cleaning, like you’re a janitor
  8. Offer you cash in return for sexual favours, like you’re a janitor with dreams of becoming a prostitute
  9. Steal food from your cupboards
  10. Steal food from your fork
  11. Steal food from your mouth
  12. Offer their opinions on your love life, unprompted
  13. Offer their opinions on your dental hygiene, unprompted
  14. Offer their opinions on your sexual technique, unprompted
  15. Snort cocaine off your copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
  16. Insist on calling their room an "en-suite" just because they piss in the cupboard
  17. Call house meetings
  18. Call house meetings but don’t invite you, then discuss you at these meetings
  19. Have loud sex in their room
  20. Have loud sex in your room
  21. Have sex anywhere, without offering you any. You'd refuse, but it's polite to offer.
  22. Wear only boxer shorts and a shirt into the communal areas
  23. Come into the communal areas fully dressed, but then strip down into boxer shorts
  24. Check for testicular lumps in the communal areas, thoroughly
  25. Hold interventions about a crack problem you don't have
  26. Hold interventions about a crack problem you do have. Stay out of my business.
  27. Issue death certificates in your name to your parents
  28. Wear scarves indoors. Who do you think you are, Cher?
  29. Watch you sleep
  30. Collect their own urine in jars in their room, and get mad when you reorganise them by shade and volume
  31. Keep tarantulas loose around the house and in your bed, collect their own urine, and punch you in the face whilst you’re sleeping because they’re angry about a video game. (This actually happened to one guy)
  32. Steal your wine
  33. Steal your milk
  34. Steal your milk and wine, mix them together in a pitcher jug, name the cocktail a “curdled breakfast freebie” and insist you drink a pint
  35. Steal your money
  36. Hog the toilet
  37. Hog the toilet for non-toilet purposes “This is where I like to chat, eat dinner and conduct séances”
  38. Use the communal toilet for any purpose
  39. Freeze their bread, taking up most the freezer, forget about their frozen bread and buy more bread, exacerbating the bread problem
  40. Bagsy cupboards by putting one tin of beans in each cupboard they fancy
  41. Don't pay the rent on time
  42. Pay the rent on time but using money they borrowed from you
  43. Pay the rent on time but using money they borrowed loan sharks, under your name
  44. Use the entire lounge as a bin
  45. Schedule in loud one-night stands for exam time
  46. Scatter finger and toenail clippings around the house, like they're leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail that leads to a giant toe house
  47. Learn to juggle
  48. Learn to knit
  49. Learn to knit and then give you a homemade, neck-chafing scarf for Christmas, which they insist is a hat
  50. Become magicians
  51. Look disappointed whenever you walk into the room
  52. Keep looking at their watch whenever you're in a room and say sentences like "shouldn't you be thinking about getting somewhere" at you
  53. Say "ah thank Christ" whenever you leave the room
  54. Wear mainly towels or skimpy outfits whenever you bring your boyfriend / girlfriend home, just to see your reaction
  55. Learn a musical instrument from scratch. Oh you can play "Everybody Hurts" on the Kazoo, can you? Reckon you can play it outside?
  56. Have better bodies than you do
  57. Have better bodies than you do and take their shirts off every few seconds with very little warning whatsoever, to make their pecks/breasts dance
  58. Secretly move their boyfriend / girlfriend into the house without your knowledge.
  59. Secretly move their boyfriend / girlfriend the power drill enthusiast into the house.
  60. Attempt to deep fry their food in an unventilated kitchen
  61. Attempt murder
  62. Remove all carbon monoxide detectors from the house "as a prank" then host an indoor barbecue.
  63. Use your room as a second lounge
  64. Use your room as a second toilet
  65. Place photos of their friends and family around the house
  66. Place photos of your friends and family around the house
  67. Place photos of your sleeping friends and family around the house, refuse to explain how or when they were taken
  68. Walk in your room without knocking
  69. Walk out your room without asking
  70. Ask to borrow your condoms
  71. Ask to borrow your condoms, wink, and then return to their room, alone
  72. Leave toothpaste residue all over the sink
  73. Use your towel
  74. Use your tea towel as a hand towel
  75. Use your tea towel as a "crotch towel"
  76. Attempt ‘hilarious’ pranks such as crawling under your bed, waiting until you return home from uni and have gone to sleep, then grabbing your foot and screaming “You're my wife!”
  77. Leave toothpaste residue on the sink
  78. Use toothpaste residue to create drawings of your face on the sink
  79. Leave drawings they’ve done themselves scattered around the house: of you having sex with Satan whilst wearing a cowboy hat
  80. Sing in the shower
  81. Play instrumentals in the shower
  82. Conduct beat poetry recitals in the shower
  83. Leave meat on the side to rot
  84. Put meat, loose, on top of the other contents in the fridge or freezer
  85. Turn the heat up extremely high in their room, but insist on the corridors being cold “to save on electricity”
  86. Open the window and put on the heating, to let them fight it out
  87. Complain about the cold and asking for the heating to be turned up, whilst wearing a bikini
  88. Trash their room so much they can’t bear to live there, then sleep on the sofa
  89. Leave half eaten meals scattered around the house
  90. Eat your half eaten meals you've left around the house for later
  91. Hire a butler, but specify he’s not for your use
  92. Use your kitchen scissors
  93. Use your kitchen scissors for unspecified purposes in the bathroom
  94. Invite friends back to your house for a party on a Tuesday evening
  95. Invite strangers back to your house for a swinger party on a Monday
  96. Leave meat on the side
  97. Leave meat in the sofa
  98. Make "sculptures" out of meat then leave it in the lounge
  99. Have their parents over with no notice to the house
  100. Start every sentence with the words “I’m not being funny, but”
  101. Start every sentence with the words “I’m not being racist, but”
  102. Start every sentence with the c-word
  103. Insist on telling you their weight
  104. Insist on holding weigh-ins
  105. Look at your food in disgust
  106. Return from a gap year talking about how much traveling changed them, even though they went to Kent
  107. Hide in their room every second of the day, and only emerge when no one is around
  108. Hide in your room every second of the day, and only emerge when it’s frightening
  109. Play only their music on the speakers at parties
  110. Play only their audiobooks on the speakers at parties
  111. Time you during sex and then plot the time on a graph, then tell you "there's room for improvement".
  112. Live in a house that you live in. I think that's the issue here

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