8 ways you'd deal with uni problems (if you were Jack Reacher)

Jack Reacher 2 is in cinemas and IMAX now. In it the extremely competent super-soldier, spy and all-round decent guy Jack Reacher goes up against his biggest foes yet.

Which got us thinking... what if we'd had been as competent as Jack is when we were at university? Sure, Jack Reacher can cope with terrorists, explosions, and massive conspiracies that go right to the heart of government, but how would he cope with unrealistic coursework deadlines?

8) The problem: You haven't done the reading for a seminar

Your solution

Try to stay quiet and not catch anyone's eye. If anyone asks you for an opinion, say "I wonder what Marx would make of this?" and hope that kicks off a discussion.

How you'd deal with it if you were Jack Reacher

Roundhouse kicks.

There are very few problems that Jack Reacher can't deal with a few well-placed roundhouse kicks. Of course the guy's so smart he'd already know all the reading on the syllabus, but worst come to worst he'd take down every last person in the seminar using even less effort than you put in to an essay.

7) The problem: One pound entry to SU ends in 5 minutes. You're 20 minutes away.

Your solution:

You run, but arrive late by a good ten minutes. You pay the £5 entry, and become bankrupt.

How you'd deal with it if you were Jack Reacher

Knock a bad guy off a bike, use that bike to leap on top of bus, use that bus to leap into a Dodge Viper and then floor it. Arrive early and get your free entry in style.


6) Problem: You've run out of crockery and you need to eat

Your solution

You have to resort to washing up. By the time you've washed your plate, you are incredibly late for a lecture. You miss out on vital course information, fail your exams and end up spending most your adult life on the streets.

What you'd do if you were Jack Reacher

Here's how Jack Reacher is described in the books...

His neck was thick and his hands were the size of dinner plates

With hands the size of dinner plates, you use your hands as a dinner plate. You get to your lecture on time, do well at uni, get drafted into the secret services and have an incredible career.

5) Someone in front of you is watching something with the sound on in a lecture

How you'd deal with it:

Maybe do some mild tutting, but basically resign yourself to not hearing the lecturer at all today.

What you'd do if you were Jack Reacher

In just one book, Reacher deals with his enemies in the following ways:

Reacher shoots two (2) people in the back; shoots three (3) people in the head; drowns a man; shoots one person’s leg off; breaks two (2) necks; kicks one person in the throat; headbutts another; cuts someone’s throat; pops a man’s eyeball with his finger; breaks four (4) of a man’s fingers; kicks a guy in the balls; saps two (2) dudes on the back of their head/necks; stabs someone in the face.

You'd probably just have to mention that to the person in front watching Spongebob and they'll turn the volume down a notch. If not, there's always "option B".

4) Your housemate won't change the toilet roll

What you'd do:

Not mention it, change it every time you go in there, and build up a seething resentment towards your housemate (even though in all other respects they are your best friend).

What you'd do if you were Jack Reacher

This.

3) You're playing beer pong - you're quite drunk and your aim is off

How you'd deal with it:

Too drunk to aim, you keep missing and get steadily more drunk. The following day, you're hungover as hell and don't make it to uni.

What you'd do if you were Jack Reacher

Jack reacher is a trained marksman. He wouldn't miss enough shots to get drunk enough in the first place.

2) The milk keeps going missing, your friend gets blamed

How you deal with it:

You buy twice the milk you need, like a chump. Your friend gets exiled from the house, but still your milk keeps going missing. Eventually your house thinks it's an inside job, and exiles you from the house.

How Jack Reacher would deal with it:

The first film saw Jack absolve a trained sniper who was found with his sniper rifle on him at the scene of the crime.

The second film starts with him beating the crap out of everyone in a diner, and then walking out of the place after having The Sheriff arrested.

You think he can't absolve a milk thief? That's peanuts to this guy. Jack would clear the whole thing up in moments, and punish the real culprit with gusto.

1) You've disgraced yourself in a seminar. You did the wrong reading and made a fool out of yourself.

How you deal with it:

You apologise weakly and brush up twice as much for the next seminar. But it's too late. Everybody already thinks you're a moron.

How Jack Reacher would deal with it:

Never Go Back.


Jack Reacher: Never Go Back is in cinemas now. To celebrate, we've teamed up with Paramount to offer you the chance of winning in our £2,500 prize bundle giveaway.

Go here for your chance to win official merchandise bundle including:

  • Power Bank
  • Phone Case
  • Jack Reacher 2 Hoodie
  • Highway Emergency Kit

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