10 British train travel rules you must never break

If we had it our way the unwritten train rules would be boldly written on the front page of the Metro or the London Evening Standard, every day until people get the point. That's clearly not going to happen until all world news stops. In the mean time we'll leave them here and hope you spread them around.

10) Stand on the right on escalators

spider man escalator

Unless you're spiderman.

Consistent standing on the left will result in the use of physical force, your eventual demise or the most severe punishment of all: Heavy tutting. The police will be on the side of the assailant.

9) Anything that doesn’t have an ass does not need a seat

dont put bags on seats

This ladies feet do not have their own asses.

Your bag does not need a seat. Your umbrella does not need a seat. These are all things that can either stand or go in the overhead luggage.

Your assless friends are technically luggage:

luggage men

8) Don’t watch anything that might contain nudity and/or spoilers

spoilers are coming

There are other people on the train, so you shouldn't watch anything that might contain nudity, moderate to heavy petting or spoilers. Game of Thrones, basically. What we mean is please stop watching Game of Thrones on the train, and spoiling it for everyone else.

7) Keep your headphones in

But feel free to dance...

But if you do dance, be prepared for an early exit:

6) Move inside the train, there’s room for more

There's always room for more.

5) Don't look directly at anyone, not even the weirdos

train rules

Even if they look like this, you pretend not to notice:

hens on train

sleeping on train

4) Quiet coach means no breathing

heavy breathing

Answer the man.

3) Talking to strangers on trains is permitted only in extreme circumstances

strangers on train chit chat

And even then, this should not be your opening line.

2) Try not to stand out

grass man on train

If the train is packed, it’s ok to crash first class

1) Only use your phone to take photos of sleeping people

sleeping people on train

When you're on a train, the only legitimate use for a phone is for pretending to be texting so that you don't have to talk to somebody, and for taking photographs of people whilst they perfect their train sleep. In an absolute emergency (e.g. your boyfriend "wants to talk" and might break up with you) you are allowed to talk, but in a tense quiet tone and every sentence must include the words "going through a tunnel" shortly before hanging up and then blaming that "tunnel".