10 horrifying foods every student eventually eats

You start off well at uni, but over time your meals are going to decline. Here are some "meals" every student ends up holding their nose and eating at some point during their first year.

10) Beans

Beans are delicious, there's no denying it. What's awful about them is the sheer quantity of them you're going to eat at uni, and how quickly you move from occasional Heinz and haricot beans to binge eating 20p supermarket's own brand beans.

By the end of your first year there isn't a meal you won't consider putting beans in. Chilli? Could do with some beans. Bolognese? Could do with some beans? Roast? Beans. Roast all the beans.

Best eaten


9) Hot and floppy noodle bread

It doesn't take you long before you realise most food can be crammed inside some bread. The next logical step is to double down on some carbs. Hot floppy noodle bread, aka "a noodle sandwich" is usually the first attempt. They're actually pretty good if you can get past how hot and floppy the noodles make the bread. You'll enjoy it, but you're going to pile on some fresher pounds.

Best eaten

Alone whilst, sobbing

8) Kettle sausages and kettle rice

Kettles are the laziest appliances in the kitchen. A wok will do whatever you tell it to. It'll boil, it'll fry turn it over and press hard enough it'll even chop. A kettle somehow gets away with only boiling water. What the hell is up with that?

Uni is a place to push the limits. Even if it's not you, we can guarantee someone in your halls are going to boil something in a kettle at some point in your first year. If you're lucky it's sausages, and the only problem you'll face is that every cup of tea you drink from then on tastes slightly like frankfurter. If you're unlucky it'll be rice. Rice will burn your kettle to the ground, as my cousin discovered in his first term of uni, and pasta will burn down your whole kitchen, as he discovered in his second term.

Best eaten

To the sound of fire alarms

7) Plain

Mmm, plain. Plain can be made from pasta, rice or potatoes. You can't combine them though, because then technically one of the ingredients would become flavouring / a sauce.

Worst is when you have to cook for more than just yourself. You big up your cooking skills and then serve up a delicious bowl of plain, and resign yourself to being single for the rest of your life.

Best eaten

Whilst staring forlornly at a copy of your bank balance.

6) Cheap tins of sauce soup

After eating bowl after bowl of "plain" you'll eventually break and get some sauce. But it's not going to be good sauce, for around 21p per kilogram. It's only marginally better than eating rice by itself. Under the right circumstances (in the dark, with a horrendous cold) however, curry sauce can make an acceptable soup.

Best eaten

Remorsefully, in the dark where you can't be seen.

5) Bachelor chow

Bachelor chow is any full meal that comes complete in a tin. It's basically dog food for humans. It's full of the things that will keep you alive until the next meal. Calories. Gravy. Marylebone jelly.

Pie in a tin. Like pies? Like tins? Pie in a tin. Eat it with your mouth.

The worst example of this kind of food comes from our editor, who lived off tinned hamburgers during her time at university. A food so horrifying we considered blurring the photograph below, for fear of it being considered NSFW.

Best eaten

Shortly after an apocalypse.

4) Poisonous food

At the end of every term, brace yourself for a poisoning. When it comes time to clean out the fridge, you're going to find a lot of food that you probably forgot about since you bought it in week one. We strongly advise you throw it away. Your Sainsbury's own chicken kiev would have been delicious in week one. Now it is delicious and full of poison.

You'll end up eating it anyway, despite the obvious risks. It's food, and since you didn't have to buy it, it feels like it's free. But your bowels will pay. Oh my, yes.

Best eaten

Directly above a toilet.

3) Edible alcohol

At some point during your first year you get bored of drinking all your food. If only I could get drunk through eating, you think. You're wasting all this time and effort chewing things that aren't getting you drunk (we're looking at you, potatoes) when you could be eating and getting drunk at the same time.

In comes edible booze. Unless you're Heston Blumenthal, this really means you'll be either be making gin jelly or a vodka watermelon by jamming a hole in the top and letting it soak into the melon for a couple of weeks.

The results of either are never pretty the first, second or third and final time you try. The watermelon always turns into a heavily alcoholic fruit mulch (mmm, alcoholic fruit mulch) and the jelly never sets how you think it will. You end up with lumpy gin.

Stick to drinking your booze, and chew some gum or something at the same time.

Best eaten

Through a straw.

2) Burnt stuff that's "still good"

There was a time back at uni that unless the food was actually on fire, I would consider eating it. Times haven't changed, I'd probably still eat the above.

At some point, usually late at night, usually drunk, you are going to burn the shit out of something. And people will laugh at your feeble attempt at culinary finesse. And a mixture of being drunk, being too poor to waste the ingredients and your pride mix together and you'll decide: I'm going to eat this charcoal. I'm going to eat it, and I'm going to look like I enjoy it, like this is exactly how I like my (bread? Pasta??). Mmm, burnt pan scrapings.

Best eaten

With chisels.

1) Dog food

Ok we'll admit not every fresher eats this. But every year there's always a story in the papers about a fresher initiation session for a sports team where some poor initiate had to eat a load of dog food. We won't link to any, as we don't want to embarrass the poor chaps any further, but there are loads out there and it's pretty horrifying.

We don't understand why anyone would want to play muggle quiditch so much that they'd be willing to eat dog food.

Best eaten

Not at all.

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